


Alone Beside You

by dallystrings



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: ((so many pet names)), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Bonfire fun, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Meddling Friends, Mutual Pining, Nostalgia, OT6, Old Friends, Pet Names, Recreational Drug Use, Referenced Suicide Attempt, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Slow Dancing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-07-19 22:10:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 41,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7379371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dallystrings/pseuds/dallystrings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing was ever good enough for Poe Dameron, he had to be the best of the best in everything. Apparently suicide watch was no different. </p><p>“I want to get everyone together,” Poe explained, finally, “For a week. Up at Ben’s parents’ cabin in the mountains,”</p><p> </p><p>or; Hux is trying to keep it together while Ben falls apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> the (very) loosely based About Alex AU that no one asked for! I'm a sucker for Modern AUs, and Aubrey Plaza movies.
> 
> TW// this references the attempted suicide of a main character. while the event is not explicitly described, it comes up frequently throughout the story.
> 
> hmu!  
> twitter: @bennaberrie  
> tumblr: @armisticehux

Hux’s eyes flickered up to the clock, bleary with exhaustion. It was twenty minutes past nine, a solid four hours since the majority of the office had left for the night. And yet, here he was, bent over his desk sorting through piles of expense reports.

From across the room, he heard the unfamiliar ring of his personal phone. Curious, he glanced up again from his work to wonder who would be calling him. It couldn’t have been his parents, the time overseas was well past two in the morning. Phasma was never one to contact him through anything besides poorly crafted texts, so it was unlikely to be her as well. 

Hux wracked his brain for anyone else that may be contacting him on his personal device, a phone kept separate from the chaos of his work. He was almost embarrassed when he couldn’t draw up another plausible name, but quickly buried the feeling by diving back into his work. If it was important, they would leave a message, he decided.

Not more than thirty seconds after the buzzing stopped, it picked back up again. Hux sighed, slamming the pen in his hand down on the desk. He had been on a roll before this incessant calling, and he couldn’t believe the gall of whoever was on the other end. If he hadn’t picked up the first time, he was obviously busy.

Hux watched the phone on the table across his office, letting it ring. Debatably, he could have easily moved across the room to answer it. However, it was now a matter of teaching whoever was calling the importance of manners. To call twice in a row was rude, he argued. So, he would give them a taste of their own medicine. 

The third time the phone started to ring, Hux felt his stomach twist. This stretched beyond his silly pride, this was strange. There was an anger in his eyes as he crossed the room, hand snatching the phone and gripping onto it so tightly the case left indents in his palm.

Poe Dameron. Hux read the name a few times, unsure as to whether or not he had fallen asleep at his desk again and was having some strange dream. Poe Dameron. The same Poe Dameron that he had gone to college with, that he hadn’t spoken to in over a year and a half. 

“Do you know how rude,” Hux answered the phone, voice level and calm, “it is to call someone three times back to back when they do not answer the first time,” 

“Hux?” the voice was somewhat garbled, but he recognized it anywhere. Hux felt his blood boil. 

“I understand that you’re fairly incompetent, but you do know that voicemail is still a widely used-” Hux started angrily, cut off by a deep sigh on the other end.

“Ben is in the hospital,” Poe cut in, and that certainly shut Hux up.

Hux felt the breath leave his body, and a hand reached out to grip the table next to him for support. The lack of detail within the sentence had his mind whirling, wondering just what had happened and how serious it must have been for Hux to receive a call. 

“Hux,” Poe interrupted his thoughts, “Buddy, you there?”

“Yes,” Hux cleared his throat, smoothing out his suit, “What happened?” 

The conversation was silent for a moment, and Hux could tell that Poe was struggling to find the proper wording. He let out a disgruntled breath, and Hux tapped his foot impatiently as he awaited the news.

“He tried to kill himself,” Poe decided on finally, and Hux almost rolled his eyes at the indelicacy that Poe had taken so long to reach. Almost. 

Hux stared at the ground, unable to form a response for a moment. He remembered the last time he saw Ben, bright eyed and stumbling over his words as he led Hux through the newest art gallery displaying his work. Two years ago. 

“Tried,” Hux repeated, finally, “He’s… he’s okay?” 

“Okay is a bit of a stretch,” Poe huffed, and somewhere in the background Hux faintly registered another voice, “But, uh, physically he’ll be fine,” 

Hux deflated, his body bending over in some attempt to catch his breath. It had been barely two minutes since he picked up the phone, but it felt like he had been waiting an eternity to hear those words. Ben was fine, he told himself, Ben would be fine. 

“Why are you calling me?” Hux asked suddenly, and Poe’s laugh was bitter on the other end. 

“God, leave it to you to be a dick, even during the suicide attempt of one of your best friends,” Poe’s voice sounded almost angry, and Hux’s fist curled into a ball.

“I haven’t spoken to Ben in about as long as I haven’t spoken to you,” Hux pointed out, “Are you calling us best friends, Dameron?” 

“Christ, Hux, what does it take to get your head out of your ass,” Poe cried out, and there was that other voice again in the background, “Do you really not care? Do you wish that I hadn’t told you, that you had found out some other way?”

Hux was silent for a moment, thinking about the possibility of hearing it in passing conversation somewhere else, or seeing the posts online wishing Ben the best of luck for something Hux wasn’t even aware he was going through.

“No,” he answered finally, “I’m glad you called,” 

Poe sighed, and Hux could almost picture the way he must be rubbing the bridge of his nose, possibly tugging at his curls. Hux wondered if he still had curls, if his hair was still a practical mop on top of his head. 

“I just wasn’t on the best of terms with Ben,” Hux flashed back to his last memory of Ben, the complete and utter joy in his eyes the moment Hux walked through those gallery doors. 

“I’m aware,” Poe grunted, and Hux narrowed his eyes.

Hux wanted to comment on the sheer hypocrisy of Poe’s tone, to point out the irony of the situation. It should have been Hux there to call everyone, it should have been Hux handling everything and making sure that Ben had nothing to worry about besides his own mental health. The last person it should have been was Poe.

“He’s being released from the hospital in about sixty hours,” Poe spoke up suddenly, shattering Hux’s rising anger, “How much time are you able to get off of work?”

Hux’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. It was a Friday night, meaning he could manage to spend a fair chunk of time within the next two days visiting, depending on the schedule of visitors Ben was having.

“Uh,” Hux stared at the clock, “This weekend I only have one conference call scheduled, so I should be able to stop by whenever works best for-”

“Hux,” Poe spoke patiently, “I’m not talking about an afternoon of awkwardly sitting beside a hospital bed,”

Hux paused, crossing an arm over his chest and leaning against the table. He waited for Poe to elaborate, to explain whatever grand plan he had already concocted in his head. Nothing was ever good enough for Poe Dameron, he had to be the best of the best in everything. Apparently suicide watch was no different. 

“I want to get everyone together,” Poe explained, finally, “For a week. Up at Ben’s parents’ cabin in the mountains-”

“A week,” Hux repeated, “You want me to take a week off of work-”

“For your old best friend that very recently attempted to kill himself?” Poe nearly shouted, “Yes, Brendol, I didn’t think that was too much to ask,” 

Hux swallowed thickly, the name tinging the tips of his ears an angry red. He was unable to speak for a moment, overcome with exhaustion at the content of the conversation. 

“Fine,” Hux agreed, voice stiff, “Send me the information,”

“Thank you,” and the tension in Poe’s voice dissipated almost immediately, “I’ll put together an e-mail after I get ahold of Phas,” 

“I’ll tell her,” Hux spoke quietly, not wanting to admit that Poe sounded stressed enough without having to deal with a most-likely hammered Phasma, “Just get everything together in a timely fashion. I’m going to need to need all the time possible to prepare for a week’s vacation,” 

“Vacation,” Poe repeated with a snort, “Hux, you truly are a man starved of pleasure,” 

That’s fairly your fault, Hux wanted to say, but he kept his mouth closed. There was no use in dredging up the past, in harshing the thin comradery they had accumulated before the week even began. 

“Just send me the information,” Hux grunted, hanging up the phone before Poe could get another word in. It was the longest conversation they had had alone since college, he realized, and felt the heat of anxiety rise in his chest at the realization that there was plenty more to come. 

A staggering breath escaped his lungs as Hux set the phone back in its place on the table, his knees threatening to give out under the weight of the conversation. Ben had tried to kill himself. 

Hux realized that he didn’t know how, or why it happened. All that he knew, was that Ben was holed up in some hospital bed, Hux knew how much he hated hospitals, for the next sixty hours. 

He debated calling Poe back, asking him for the full story. But Hux knew that he would figure out the details of the event soon enough. Maybe, for the moment, ignorance was bliss. If this was bliss, Hux was glad to be a perpetually angry man.

Sitting at his desk, Hux yanked open the bottom drawer to pull a bottle of scotch from underneath a stack of folders. The tumbler was filled to the brim, threatening to spill over as his shaky hand brought the glass to his lips.

Hux wasn’t an avid drinker, he had long since abandoned hard liquor for an occasional glass of red wine with dinner. And yet, he found himself gulping down the drink like it was water. 

“This is how alcoholism is acquired,” he murmured to himself, inspecting the nearly empty glass, “Drinking in times of distress is foolish,”

The tumbler was filled once more, and Hux found it even easier to finish it off. Every time he closed his eyes, Ben was there to greet him. He wanted that goofy grin out of his head, seeing it made breathing difficult. 

Hux remembered his younger days, when Ben was his roommate. They fought tirelessly, over every single thing they could think of, to the point of driving their friends mad. Ben couldn’t say anything without Hux offering a few words of his own to challenge him, and Hux couldn’t breathe without Ben crowding his space to jostle him around.

It was the best friendship either of them had ever known, they admitted to each other late one night from opposite sides of the room. 

“Friendship,” Hux murmured aloud, his head buried in the crook of his arm. 

Distantly, he remembered his promise to Poe. Call Phasma. Tell her the great news: the gang was getting back together for an entire week. He knew that she would be more than excited to see everyone again, despite the circumstances.

Hux wished that he was heartless enough to turn the invitation down. He wished that he felt nothing, that he had no remorse for the things that he had done. It would have made everything easier, he decided, than having to live with the constant guilt eating away at him.

He tilted his head slightly, staring at the picture perched on the corner of his desk. In it, a much younger Hux beamed back at him. Ben had an arm slung around his shoulder, like was so customary for him. Poe laid out like a magazine model in front, with Finn bent over laughing beside him. Rey shone proudly from atop Phasma’s back, arms stretched wide like she may take off flying at any moment. 

Ben smiled. Ben’s hair fell into his face, the way that it always did when he lost one of his thousands of hair ties. Ben’s clothes were smeared and stained with paint, with some having streaked his skin as well. Ben was happy, Hux told himself, Ben had been happy when they were friends. He had to have been. 

The picture would have been long discarded, had it not been for the frame surrounding it. A see you soon present, Ben had called it, not a goodbye present. Their shared apartment was bare, boxes lined up against the walls to be loaded into a truck and taken across the country. 

It was hand crafted, and while Ben was an incredible artist woodworking had never been his strong-suit. The edges were wavy in places, and Hux reached his hand out to run them along the curves. 

“This is the best you could do?” Hux had laughed, pointing at a particularly deep divot.

“This was my third attempt,” Ben’s face had flushed a deep red, reaching out in an attempt to snatch the frame back. Hux held it close to his chest.

“It’s not complete garbage,” Hux had admitted slowly, looking at the picture and only seeing Ben’s face.

Hux’s head dropped against his desk, and he gripped the tumbler tighter. 

In the next breath he was dialing his phone, shouting over the noise of a club to tell Phasma the news. His voice shook as he repeated the words Poe told him, and he hoped she was drunk enough not to notice.

“Do you need help getting home?” Hux asked, throat tight.

“No,” Phasma answered, sounding surprisingly sober, “But you sound like you might,” 

Hux hung up the phone, staring at the blank wall of his office. The clock read half past eleven, and the rest of his coworkers were long gone. Even the janitorial staff had finished their rounds for the night, leaving Hux alone. 

“Alone,” he whispered aloud, looking down to trace his fingers across the palm of his opposite hand. 

It took him longer than usual to pack his things, to slip into his jacket and head towards the elevator. The effects of the alcohol blurred his vision, and he remembered then why the bottle of scotch had been close to full in the first place. 

Walking into his apartment, he felt the familiar brush of fur against his legs. Usually, Hux would scold Millicent to wait until he changed out of his suit to cover him in her hair. That night, he collapsed to the ground and pulled the wriggling cat as close to his chest as he could manage.

The feeling of purring against his heart soothed him slightly, and Hux wrapped as much of his body as he could around her as they laid on the floor. Just a few minutes, he told himself, and he would drag himself to bed properly. 

“So you don’t get lonely,” Ben had grinned, holding up the thrashing kitten with one hand. 

“Yes,” Hux had rolled his eyes, “It looks like great company,” 

“It,” Ben had waggled a finger of his free hand, tone warning, “Is a she. Her name is Millicent, and she loves you,” 

“Millicent,” Hux had stuck his tongue out, “That’s a horrible name,” 

“Well that’s her name,” Ben had scoffed, gently pressing the kitten into Hux’s hands, “So stop hurting her feelings,” 

It wasn’t more than thirty seconds after Hux vowed to bring himself to bed that he fell asleep on the floor in front of the doorway, Millicent wrapped securely in his arms. 

-

“You brought your cat,” Poe glanced down at the carrier, and Millicent mewled bitterly from where she sat. 

“Of course I brought Millicent,” Hux scoffed, “I’m going to be gone for a week,” 

Poe crossed his arms over his chest, looking at Hux expectantly. Before they could argue further, Phasma came jogging up beside him. At the sight of her, Poe broke into a real smile, and Hux noticed the difference in the crinkle of his eyes as opposed to when he saw Hux. 

“Phas,” Poe crooned, stepping forward to pull her into a tight hug. 

Hux stood awkwardly to the side, poking a finger into Millicent’s carrier as some sign that he was still there for her. She bit him almost immediately, which felt about right to Hux. 

“He’s not back yet, right?” Phasma asked, checking her watch. Their flight had been delayed by an hour or two, putting them off schedule much to Hux’s dismay.

“No, we’ll have just enough time to get the two of you settled in before Finn brings him back,” Poe assured her.

“See, Hux?” Phasma clasped his shoulder, “Still on schedule,” 

Hux rolled his eyes, tightening his grip on the cat carrier. The schedule, of course, had been designed to incorporate wiggle room. Hux wasn’t an idiot. 

Phasma and Poe walked ahead, leaving Hux to walk in the space behind them on the sidewalk. His face was tinted a slight red, overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the past few days.

Between an unholy amount of work to put him well enough ahead to take a week off, shmoozing his boss to get on her good side, and preparing a schedule for the entire week, he was already exhausted.

“Hux, will you stop,” Phasma snapped a finger in front of his face, and he blinked quickly, “Quit the worrying, everything is fine,”

“Sorry that I like to be prepared-” Hux battled back, but was cut off by Poe’s loud laugh.

“You haven’t changed a bit, man,” Poe pointed out, and Hux steamed silently from his place behind them. 

Who was Poe to comment on his personality? What did he even know, it wasn’t like they had been particularly close. The only reason Hux put up with the man was for Ben, despite wanting to punch him in the teeth more than half the time. 

They piled into Poe’s car, Hux pulling Millicent from her crate as soon as they settled in. Poe launched into a speech about getting cat hair on his seats, but lightened up when he placed a hand gently on Millicent’s head.

“Okay,” he decided, “the cat was a good idea,” 

Hux smiled smugly from his spot, stroking Millicent’s back as she preened against him. Of course it was a good idea. He knew Ben. Or, at least, he did. Hux only hoped that there were at least remnants of the man he had been so close to left within this stranger. 

“You two get the last rooms on the right side of the hallway,” Poe explained as he popped the trunk to get the bags. 

“First rooms on the left,” Hux nodded, “Got it,” 

Poe paused, his shoulders heaving with a sigh as he held out Hux’s bag for him to take. Hux only grinned at the obvious aggravation, snatching his bag from Poe’s hands and stalking inside.

From behind him, he could have sworn he heard his name being exchanged in a whisper, but when he turned Phasma and Poe were seemingly silent. 

Hux stood in front of the house, eyes following the wrap around porch until they fell upon the calm lake to the right of the estate. It had been years since he was here, the last time being a weekend together just before their senior year of college finished. 

He stepped onto the porch, walking slowly to the edge where the lake was most visible. It was around the corner, about halfway through, he remembered. The bag in his hands was set against the house, and Millicent laid sleeping in his arms. 

Hux rounded the porch, and froze when he saw someone else already taking up his favorite spot. Rey stood with her hand pressed to her collarbone, her tell tale sign of stress. Glazed eyes stared out at the lake, as if she was waiting for something to pop out of it. 

Never had he seen her so vulnerable. She seemed almost blurry at the edges, like she was a figment of his imagination instead of Rey. Brown hair was pulled into a messy ponytail, with pieces having fallen out from the steady breeze.

Hux stepped forward, sidling up next to her to stare out at the water. Rey’s eyes were unmoving, and for a moment she did not bother to hide the exhaustion in her body. Hux wondered if she had slept since Ben was admitted to the hospital.

“Hey,” Hux whispered, voice soft. 

Rey didn’t reply, just nodded once. Hux kept his eyes off of her, letting her have her moment on the porch like he had intended to as well. There were things to do, a week to get ready for, but it could wait. For just a little while, it could wait. 

In the next breath, Rey was straightening herself up and back to looking like her usual self. Hux noticed that her hair was longer than the last time he had seen her, but that was just about the only difference. 

A mug of coffee was brought to her lips, and she inhaled a deep breath. Finally, her eyes ripped away from the serene scene to meet Hux’s with a gentle smile. He noticed the pain in her eyes.

“Glad you could make it,” she admitted quietly, and Hux felt the truth behind it. 

“It was the least I could do,” Hux answered, and Rey shook her head.

“No,” she mused, “It wasn’t,” 

Hux ducked his eyes down, averting her knowing gaze. Rey, though not one for physical affection, brought a hand to rest easily on his shoulder. Hux couldn’t bring himself to look at her.

“He’ll be happy to see you,” she whispered, and Hux let out a low chuckle.

“We’ll see,” he returned. 

Rey’s fingers traveled to scratch Millicent behind the ears, shooting Hux a knowing smile that was almost too soft to be detected. But Hux knew Rey, and he knew how to read every twitch of her expressions. 

“I’ll take Millie inside,” Rey offered, and Hux nodded slowly.

The cat was happy to be in her arms, rubbing against her bare skin for warmth on the cool morning. Without another word Rey disappeared into the house, and Hux smiled when he heard the excited shouts of Phasma on the other side. 

Hux’s hands braced against the railing, feeling the splintering wood digging into his palms. It dragged him back to reality, to the severity of the situation. Any moment now, Ben would be walking through those doors. His Ben. 

Rey’s words played out in his head. Happy to see Hux. Hux doubted that. He wondered briefly if Ben even knew that he would be here. Dropping his head, he felt the familiar ache between his shoulder blades. 

“Hux?” Phasma’s voice was gentle, too gentle for his liking, “Do you want me to bring your things upstairs?”

“I’ve got it,” Hux nodded, shooting her an appreciative smile, “I just needed a little bit of air,”

“There’s air in the house you know,” Phasma smirked, and Hux felt relief sweep his chest at the taunting. 

“I didn’t know,” Hux shot back, “Thanks, Captain,” 

Phasma rolled her eyes at the title, waving her hand as she disappeared back into the house. Hux followed her, feeling less reluctant now. The bag in his hands felt somewhat lighter, and he worked up the courage to finally step into the house. 

It was a dream, he decided. Everything was the way it had been over half a decade ago. It looked like no one had set foot in the home since their last visit. Hux let his fingers drag against the wall as a reminder that it was real.

“Last room on the right,” Poe reminded him from the kitchen, and Hux was only half paying attention as he stepped onto the stairs.

They creaked beneath his feet, and he smiled at the memory of trying to sneak up them well past three in the morning with his beer threatening to spill from moving around so much. Ben’s laughter was booming, but the creaking of the stairs was what he worried about. 

Hux continued to move, every new sight reminding him of something else. Finn’s bright idea to mattress surf down the stairs, Phasma chasing him around the bedroom with a pillow, Poe losing at a game of strip poker and initiating a night of skinny dipping, Rey nearly burning the house down the first time she attempted to smoke a joint. 

For a moment, it was all too much. Hux pushed himself into his room, the bag landing with a thud on the ground. He practically dove into the mattress, sucking in a deep breath and letting out a muffled scream into the pillow.

“This is fine,” Hux whispered to himself, voice somewhat hoarse as he sat up on the bed, “Everything is good and I am okay,”

He moved across the room with ease, changing out of the clothes he had worn on the flight into something more casual: a blue button up shirt and dark wash jeans. Perhaps, not casual enough, he thought to himself, but before he could change again he heard the sound of tires on gravel from outside. 

Hux was down the stairs before Phasma could call out his name, though she wore something between a smirk and a sad smile on her face when she saw him. Hux ignored her pitied look, and smoothed out his shirt. 

From outside, he heard Finn’s voice stumbling over itself. As cheery as ever, Hux noted, even in times of distress. He couldn’t decide whether that was a strength or weakness. 

The door was flung open, with Finn carrying a bag of groceries in both arms. He grinned at the people awaiting, all hung back to give Ben some sort of space, and shuffled aside.

And then, Hux saw him. Ben ducked into the house, a nervous smile on his face as his eyes followed Finn in some sort of pleading way. Finn had moved on into the kitchen however, and Ben was left standing alone in the doorway.

“Benny,” Poe grinned, taking the first step to pull the taller man into a hug. 

“Come on guys,” Ben’s voice was low, and Hux’s heart lurched in his chest at the reality of it all, “My suicide isn’t the best occasion for a party, is it?”

The room was silent for a moment, each person searching Ben’s face for sincerity. Again, Hux wondered just how much of this had been explained to Ben before he walked into a group of his old friends.

“Attempted suicide,” Rey corrected slowly. 

Hux let out a loud laugh at that. Every pair of eyes in the room snapped to where he stood, leaning against the railing of the stairs with his arms pressed to his chest. The only person he could see, however, was Ben.

“Doll,” Ben’s timid smile grew into something larger, and Hux forced himself to stay upright. 

“Oh don’t start,” Hux groaned, but he was unable to bite back his smile. 

Ben took a hesitant step forward, and it pained Hux to see just how uncertain he was around him. Hux pushed himself off of the railing, and moved closer towards him. He was very aware that everyone was watching them, waiting to see how their reunion played out. Hux didn’t care. 

Ben’s arms opened slightly, like he was unsure of whether or not to embrace Hux, and Hux felt his heart fall into his stomach. 

“Oh, now you’re not overly touchy,” Hux accused lightly, wrapping his arms around Ben’s waist, “Not when you were covered in paint, or reeking from the gym, never when you had the opportunity to get me dirty,” 

Ben laughed, and Hux felt his chest rumble. Arms wrapped around him slowly, and Hux felt the brush of gauze against his neck. He didn’t turn to look, just reveled in the feeling of Ben in his arms.

They pulled apart far too soon for Hux’s liking, but he didn’t try to drag him back in. There were other people around, he remembered, other people who were just as scared as Hux was. 

“It’s good to see you, Doll,” Ben murmured, just for him, and Hux squeezed his shoulder as he took a step back.

Before he could get another word in, Rey was launching herself at Ben to envelope him in a tight hug. He held her tightly, burying his face into the crook of her shoulder. Hux noticed the bandages looped around his wrists.

“I’m going to help Finn,” Hux whispered to Poe, face paling slightly as his eyes tore away from Ben’s arms.

Poe nodded, something understanding in his gaze, and Hux disappeared into the kitchen. The wind had left his lungs once more, and he lifted a hand to his forehead to will it to stop pounding.

A warm arm snaked around his shoulder, and Hux looked up to see Finn watching him carefully. When their eyes met, Finn just nodded and patted his back. Hux set to work putting the rest of the food away in its rightful spot. 

A glass of ice water was set in front of Hux, and he looked up to shoot Finn and appreciative look. The kettle was already on the stove, with a box of green tea opened on the counter. He drank greedily and felt himself even out, thankful for something to quell his panic.

“Just breathe,” Finn reminded him, voice low.

“Why did he-” Hux started, but Finn glanced past him and shook his head.

“Another time,” he promised, a wide grin stretching on his face as Hux heard the sound of footsteps behind him. 

Another time, he thought. It felt like those were the most popular words within their group since the end of their schooling together. Another time. His eyes dropped to the bandages around Ben’s wrists one last time, and wondered how many other times they had left together. 

-

“Please don’t tell me you’re cooking dinner,” Ben’s voice came from behind him, and Hux jumped at the suddenness of it. 

“Excuse me?” he narrowed his eyes waving the knife held in his hands in Ben’s direction.

Ben smiled broadly, laughed like he meant it, and crossed the threshold into the room. From behind him, he saw Rey watching carefully, and he nodded in her direction as a sign of taking over. 

It was Poe’s idea to have someone with Ben at all times. Though, Hux was sure that they would have done the same thing whether or not it was verbalized. He was barely four days out of a suicide attempt, it didn’t seem like the best time to leave him alone. 

“I’ve had your cooking, Hux,” Ben reminded him.

“Yeah, well,” Hux furrowed his eyebrows, “I’ve gotten better,” 

“Oh sweetheart, you’re such a liar,” Ben hummed, and Hux paused his chopping to send him another look. 

Ben lifted his hands in surrender, and Hux refused to draw his eyes away from the other man’s face. Since their first interaction, Ben had put on a sweatshirt to avert the constant staring at his bandages. Hux didn’t want to remind him of what laid under it. 

“Was I really so bad?” Hux grumbled, resuming his painstaking efforts in slicing perfectly even pieces of a potato.

“The worst,” Ben teased, resting with his back against the counter.

Hux swatted him away absentmindedly, which only encouraged Ben to hoist himself up onto the counter and take up more room. The smile on his face was wicked, and Hux wondered how he could look so happy after everything. 

“You still ate my food,” Hux reminded him finally.

“Yeah,” Ben mused, “I did,” 

Hux kept his eyes down, focusing on the directions Poe had left for him while he went out to chop firewood. It was simple: cut the ingredients on the counter, boil water. That was the extent of Hux’s involvement with the night’s meal.

“You’ll be pleased to know it’s Poe who is taking care of dinner,” Hux cleared his throat.

“Good old Poe,” Ben sighed, and Hux felt something in his gut twist. 

Ben seemed to notice the shift in his mood, because he stuck out a hand to rest on Hux’s shoulder. Despite wanting to yank himself away from the touch, Hux relaxed into it. Ben always had some special effect on him, much to Hux’s dismay.

As if on cue, Poe stormed through the door with Finn trailing happily behind him. Hux watched them carry armloads of wood into the living room, chattering as they did so. When he looked back, Ben was watching him instead. 

“Who’s ready to eat,” Poe clasped his hands together, and Ben hopped down from the counter upon him entering the kitchen.

“Don’t you have to cook it all first?” Phasma called from her spot at the dining room table, “Or are we eating raw potatoes?” 

Poe chuckled, rolling up his sleeves and ushering everyone out of the kitchen space as he went to work. He offered Hux a half hearted thanks for his work, and Hux rolled his eyes as he popped a blueberry into his mouth.

“Those were for breakfast,” Poe warned, checking to make sure Hux hadn’t taken all of the fruit, “Finn is making muffins,” 

“I am?” Finn lifted his head from Rey’s shoulder, the two of them practically tangled in each other on the couch.

“You make the best muffins, ba-” Poe’s voice cut out for a moment, glancing at his hands, “Buddy,” 

Finn just hummed in response, going back to playing with Rey’s hair. She attempted to shove him away, but he just snuggled closer to her. Finn was just about the only person who could get away with something like that.

Hux watched them closely for a moment, feeling something like envy rise in his chest. It was quickly shot down with a sip of the wine in his glass. Hux didn’t mind lack of physical contact. In fact, he hated to be touched. But still, seeing the way Rey eased into Finn, and only Finn, he couldn’t help but want something similar. 

“Hux,” Ben’s voice was forceful next to him, and Hux blinked rapidly as he turned to face him.

“What,” he asked, plainly, and Ben’s lips quirked into the slightest smile.

“Poe wants your help again, darling,” Ben whispered, jerking his head in the direction of Poe currently bossing Phasma around the kitchen.

“Christ,” Hux muttered under his breath, eliciting a soft laugh from Ben.

It was dizzying, really, to have him right there. After all this time of distancing himself, Hux was right back in the thick of it. Just inches from Ben’s goofy grins and shaggy hair. Everything had changed, and yet Hux clung to the feeling that it was all the same.

“Can you think of any possible way for me to get out of this,” Hux grimaced.

“A few,” Ben admitted, “How dramatic are we talking?” 

Hux bit his lip, mulling the thought over in his head. He held up two fingers, and Ben pouted at the lack of dramatics he was granted within the excuse. 

“I need some air,” Ben cried out suddenly, chair screeching against the floor as he pushed it back.

Hux watched him from his seat, hiding his amusement. The rest of the room looked almost frightened, and Hux utilized their shock to his advantage. 

“There’s air in the house,” he repeated the same words that Phasma had thrown at him earlier, and Ben scowled in his direction.

“Yes, well,” Ben cleared his throat, tugging at the sleeves of his sweater, “I need air that… doesn’t smell like garlic,”

“Clever,” Hux mouthed in his direction, Ben looked proud.

“Would you like to join me?” he asked, holding out his hand. 

Hux stared at it for a moment, surprised at the gesture. Slowly, he placed his hand atop Ben’s and let himself be pulled up. Poe started to protest from the kitchen, but Ben was dragging Hux away too quickly for him to get more than a word in. 

Their hands were still entangled when they slipped out the door, feet moving quickly along the gravel. Ben led him to a worn away path in the woods, and the house disappeared from sight more and more with every step. 

“Impressive,” Hux noted, eyes flickering to their hands.

“I try,” Ben grinned, dropping his grip on Hux once they had stopped moving.

“You could’ve done better,” Hux taunted, earning a pout from his companion.

“I saved you, didn’t I?” Ben huffed.

“Saved is a strong word-” Hux argued, crossing his arms across his chest.

“You know what, I would much rather have Phasma with me to enjoy this lovely walk, we ought to return to the house so you can help Poe out instead,” Ben threatened, and Hux nearly leapt at him to block him from moving. 

“Nope, no thanks,” Hux breathed out, spread out across the path so that Ben couldn’t move.

“No?” Ben repeated, “Say it then,”

Hux rolled his eyes, lounging dramatically against a tree while he shook his head. It was a game they used to play, who could embarrass the other. Hux hadn’t expected Ben to still be so good at it.

“I have nothing to say,” Hux closed his eyes indignantly.

“Fine,” Ben sounded cocky, and Hux cracked one eye open to watch him suspiciously, “Poe! Poe, Poe, Poe,” 

Ben’s voice rose with every call of the name, and while they were far out it was certainly possible for the other to hear him once he began yelling. Fear flashed across Hux’s expression and he jumped forward to slap a hand over Ben’s mouth.

“You win,” Hux babbled, “You saved me, you saved me all on your own and you did a wonderful job with it, thank you so much,” 

Ben’s smirk could be felt under his hand, and Hux pulled back cautiously. Knowing Ben, it very well might not have been over yet. But he didn’t say anything, just nodded and plopped down onto the ground, patting the space beside him.

“Even?” Hux asked, and Ben nodded happily.

“Even,” he agreed. 

Hux scrunched up his nose at the mud and dirt on the ground, looking at his jeans. If he sat beside Ben, there was no doubt that he would get dirty. It was a given, especially since it had recently rained-

Hux’s train of thought was cut off when he felt his arm yanked down. His knees gave out at the force, and he came crashing down onto the ground. Hux prepared himself to land right in a mud puddle, but didn’t end up in the dirt at all.

“Ben,” Hux breathed, voice angry, as he stared at him.

Ben only smiled, readjusting Hux in his lap and leaning against the tree behind them. Hux tried to ignore how comfortable Ben’s lap was, and how well he fit against his legs, and how large the other man’s hand felt against his back. He tried, at least. 

“I don’t like to be manhandled,” Hux grumbled.

“Oh, Doll,” Ben grinned, nuzzling his cheek against Hux’s shoulder, “Yes, you do,” 

Hux snorted, but didn’t argue further. Ben’s fingers tapped against his back, willing him to relax into the touch. It took a few moments of reassurance until he finally let his shoulders fall.

“That’s it,” Ben hummed, mouth dangerously close to the skin of his neck.

“You’re an asshole,” Hux scoffed, but his voice was sweet. 

“Is that why you left me?” Ben whispered, and Hux’s muscles tensed up again at the words. 

“Ben,” Hux turned slightly, trying to catch the other’s eye. 

Ben’s forehead was pressed to Hux’s shoulder, his eyes closed and his lips pursed. It looked almost as if he regretted the words, and Hux felt an overwhelming sense of guilt within himself. 

Gently, his fingers traced against Ben’s jaw bone, willing him to look up. Hux didn’t know how to explain himself with words, he just wanted Ben to look at him, to understand the pain behind his own eyes as well.

Ben’s head tilted up, and Hux felt his chest surge with relief, until he heard their names being called from a few feet down the path. Hux twisted to see Finn looking diligently for them, and felt himself being lifted up and placed on his feet.

When he turned towards Ben again, those dark eyes were on him. They flickered away as quickly as they met. Hux let out an irritated breath when Ben brushed past him, and reached out to grab his hand. 

“Another time, Doll,” Ben assured him, and the words hit Hux like knives. 

Hux followed him brokenly, replaying the conversation over and over in his head. Is that why you left me? Ben walked briskly before him, and Hux found himself tripping over his feet as he tried to keep up. 

Finn grinned as they approached, and Hux kept his eyes down. When the other man reached out to clap him on the back, he jerked away and kept walking. Ben hung behind, shrugging when Finn gestured curiously to Hux.

“It’s what he does,” Ben explained, and Hux felt like he had been punched in the gut. 

Crashing into the house, Hux met Phasma’s eyes first. She looked at him, brimming with rage for having left her in the kitchen, but something softened in her gaze. When she took a step towards him, Hux realized how expressive he was being with his emotions.

“I’m going to wash up,” he quipped, turning on his heel to stalk up the stairs.

The bathroom door was closed behind him with a low thud, and Hux leaned against it for support. It was only the first night, and already he felt like he was about to lose his mind. How did Ben have such a hold on his emotions?

How could he reduce Hux to nothing with only a few words? It was like he didn’t need to try at all, and Hux was crumbling beneath him. That was how it had always been, especially all those years ago. 

Back then, when Hux was straight out of a private military school and entirely too stuck up, Ben had eased him out of his shell. No one else was allowed to see the emotion behind his exterior, but Ben had a way of creeping in.

Ben had a way of making him fall in love before he even realized it. 

Hux breathed out, the jagged sound surprising him. When he looked into the mirror, he barely recognized the man staring back at him. Loose strands of hair had fallen into his face, his eyes were glassy and his pupils blown large, there was a streak down the side of his blotchy face that he would have guess was a tear if he didn’t know better. 

“This is fine,” Hux chanted into the mirror, “Everything is good and I am okay,” 

A cool cloth was held to his eyes and cheeks to soothe the redness, and Hux let himself breathe. With a rough tug, the fallen strands of his hair were tucked back into place with the others. He checked his watch. It had been a minute and a half since he disappeared, which was getting on the verge of dramatic, in his opinion. 

Hux walked calmly down the stairs, straightening his shirt and smoothing out his jeans. From the bottom, he heard the sweeping laughter of his friends. 

It’s what he does. The words rang in his head as he stepped off of the final stair and turned into the dining room. Glasses were raised in celebration of his arrival, and Hux slid into his seat beside Phasma.

She shot him a knowing look, fully aware of the lingering dampness on his cheek from where he had let the cloth rest. When she thought no one was looking, she reached up to swipe her finger across his face.

Hux looked pleased, bringing the glass of wine up to his lips and knocking her hand with his head. When his gaze flickered up, he noticed that Ben’s eyes were on him from across the table. He stared where Phasma had touched him, something like betrayal in his eyes.

Hux turned his attention to the meal, heavily aware of the eyes still glued to him. By the time he looked up again, Ben was joking with Finn. He didn’t look at Hux for the rest of the meal. 

Hux laid in bed that night with his hands folded over his chest, unblinking eyes staring at the ceiling. From far off, he could’ve sworn he heard familiar rumbling laughter. Phasma had left a glass of vodka on his bedside table, and Hux sat up to drink it greedily. 

Another time, he promised himself, staring at the door to his bedroom and knowing exactly how many steps it would take until he was outside of Ben’s door. Another time. 

-

“Hux, you’re a piece of shit fucking person,” the deep voice was close to his ear, and Hux shifted in bed to drown out the sound. 

With a start, he remembered where he was and bolted upright in bed. Looking around the room frantically, he did not relax when he noticed Ben sitting on the floor beside his bed. 

“You still have a thing for sitting on the ground, I see,” Hux grumbled, voice laced with sleep. 

His arms stretched above his head, and he tilted from one side to the other as he tried to work out the kinks in his back. They would never completely go away, thanks to his constant stressing, but this made them manageable at least. 

“So,” Hux sighed, hands falling into his lap, “Why exactly am I a fucking piece of shit?” 

“Piece of shit fucking person,” Ben corrected. 

“Piece of shit fucking person, right, so sorry,” Hux nodded, expression deadly serious.

Ben bit back a wide grin, and for a moment Hux forgot the words thrown at him the night before, or the way that Ben had blatantly ignored him for the remainder of the night. And yet, here he sat now. 

Hux checked the clock, noticing briefly that the sun had barely risen yet. It wasn’t much past five, and he couldn’t believe Ben was up already. Usually, he was the one to sleep in the latest. 

“You didn’t tell me that you brought my baby,” Ben cooed, snuggling Millicent closer to his chest.

Hux realized then that the man had been cradling her the entire time, she was just barely visible behind his arms. Those stupid, hulking arms. Attached to that stupid, hulking body. Hux’s head was spinning. 

“She needed rest,” Hux defended himself, “She had a very long flight,” 

“Did you, Millie?” Ben asked the cat, lifting her up to press a kiss on her nose. “She says that she would’ve liked to see me, nonetheless,”

“She did not say that,” Hux scoffed, sliding off of his bed to snatch the cat out of Ben’s arms. 

Ben tried to steal her back, but Hux pulled himself back onto the mattress too quickly. He cradled the cat, resting his forehead against hers.

“She said that she loves me very much for thinking of what she needs, over what she wants,” Hux turned to Ben for a moment, “And that while she’s overjoyed to see you, she would have liked to sleep past 5 in the morning,” 

“She’s overjoyed to see me?” Ben asked from his spot on the floor, a secret smile playing on his lips. 

“Couldn’t be happier,” Hux nodded curtly, though his voice was more than patient.

“Thank you, Millicent,” Ben reached up to scratch the cat between her ears, though his eyes remained locked with Hux’s, “I’m glad to see you too,”

“She missed you,” Hux breathed, I missed you, he could have screamed. 

“Missed me?” Ben asked, something unbelieving in his tone.

“Every second of every day without you,” Hux confessed, voice barely audible. 

Ben blinked in surprise, his hand stopped moving over Millicent’s fur. She mewled for more attention, knocking his hand with her head repeatedly. Ben didn’t move. Hux didn’t dare breathe. 

Ben’s mouth opened as if to say something, and Hux felt his heartbeat quicken. Suddenly, there was the sound of running feet in the hallway and a sleepy looking Rey came barreling into the room.

“Hux, have you seen-” Rey croaked, freezing in place when she saw Ben sitting on the floor in front of her.

Her eyes flickered between the two, who were staring at her like they had been caught in the middle of something secret. Perhaps, Hux thought, they had been. Rey straightened up, adjusted the blanket around her shoulders and tried to search for some deeper meaning. 

Hux scooted over on the bed, patting the spot next to him innocently. Ben turned his attention back to Millicent, fingers glossing over her shining coat. She continued to purr once he was stroking her again, content at last.

Rey looked concerned, but crossed the room anyways to sit beside Hux. She tucked the blanket under her feet, looking like a rolled up burrito from her spot on the bed. Hux chuckled when he saw her, and she reached out to punch his shoulder. 

“Watch it,” he scowled, shoving her back so she teetered on the edge of the bed.

“Bite me,” Rey huffed.

Ben just snickered from his spot on the floor, eyes cast down instead of looking at the two of them. They were the same as ever, kicking and scratching and hurling insults that were more sweet than serious.

“You’re up early,” she yawned, settling into her cocoon. 

“Ben woke me up,” Hux shrugged, “Declaring his undying love for me and whatnot,” 

Ben snorted, pressing his cheek against Millicent’s back. Hux reached down absentmindedly to pet the cat, and was surprised when his fingers tangled in Ben’s hair instead. 

He didn’t yank his hand back at first, but didn’t move it either. It had been ages since he played with Ben’s hair, or anyone else’s for that matter, and he hadn’t realized until then how much he missed the feeling between his fingers.

Amidst his crisis in deciding whether or not to remove his fingers, Ben decided for him. His hand was knocked gently by the head, a silent plea for Hux to please play with his hair, and Hux grinned. 

His fingers traced through the dark waves, scratching at his scalp and the nape of his neck. It was Ben’s favorite thing, or it used to be at least. The way he was sighing into the touch made Hux think it was at least still high up on the list. 

“I couldn’t sleep,” Ben admitted, voice low and syrupy. 

“Why not?” Rey asked, worry tinging her voice, “Was I snoring?” 

“No,” Ben mused, “I just couldn’t stop thinking about how badly I needed to profess my undying love for Huxy,”

Hux smirked, hand pressed flat against the back of Ben’s head. Rey and Ben had taken the room with two twin beds, because we’re family, Rey argued though he was sure that Ben knew the true meaning behind it. 

Hux could’ve only imagined how suffocated Ben felt by the sudden onset of attention, especially from people he hadn’t had much interaction with in years. Besides his contact with Rey, Ben had been just as out of touch with the rest of the group as Hux. 

“I just couldn’t sleep,” Ben hummed, eyes fluttering shut as Hux continued to work his fingers through his hair. 

“You look sleepy now,” Hux mused, a fond smile splayed across his face where Ben couldn’t see. 

“Cause you have magic fingers, muffin,” Ben yawned, “And because Millicent is warm,”

“You’re going to suffocate her,” Hux pointed out, and the cat stirred when she felt heavy laughter against her. 

Hux turned to look at Rey, who watched Ben with such worry in her eyes she didn’t bother hiding it. He noticed the way her body slumped, and her eyes drooped, and he could practically feel the exhaustion rolling off of her.

“Sleep,” he mouthed at her, using his free hand to hold gently to her arm.

Rey looked hesitant, like closing her eyes would throw them right back into the thick of the mess they were here for. Hux squeezed her arm, and Ben sighed contently into his touch. Finally, Rey pushed herself off of the bed. 

“Are you hungry, Ben? I can make breakfast,” she offered gently, hands fidgeting within her blanket. 

“Go back to bed, Rey,” Ben yawned, nuzzling further into Hux’s lap, “Hux can take a turn babysitting,” 

Rey scoffed from where she stood, her thin frame curving to get a better look at Ben. Half of his body was still resting on the floor, and he made no attempt to move. Hux just shrugged at her, and shot her a wink.

“I guess he likes me better,” Hux teased.

“Don’t push it,” Ben mumbled, though there was something timid in his voice. 

Rey waved them off with a flick of her hand, pressing a chaste kiss to the top of Ben’s head before she made her way out of the room. Both Hux’s bedroom door and Rey’s remained open, a silent reminder that she was there if any trouble arose. 

“Are you even comfortable?” Hux asked with a tiny laugh, bending over to get a good look at Ben’s face.

“I’m a simple man,” Ben reasoned, “It doesn’t take much to please me,”

Hux’s eyes drifted to the bandages around his wrists. The words were almost taunting when paired with them. Easy to please, and yet here he was. Here they all were. Hux’s grip on Ben’s hair tightened slightly without meaning to. 

“Hair pulling,” he jested softly, “Kinky,” 

Hux chuckled, shaking against Ben as he tried to hold the sound in. The rest of the house was still asleep, like a group of normal people, and he wasn’t about to be the one to wake everyone up.

“I wish you wouldn’t do that, Doll,” Ben confessed. 

“Do what?” Hux griped, “Laugh?”

“No, no,” Ben tilted his head to look up at him, “The opposite. I wish you wouldn’t always try to hold it back,”

Hux didn’t answer, just brushed a piece of hair that had fallen into Ben’s eyes behind his ear. Ben looked at him expectantly, but Hux couldn’t find the words. Is that why you left me? he heard once again, and drew his eyes away.

“My legs are falling asleep,” Hux mumbled, “And Millicent is clawing me trying to get out of your grip,” 

Ben looked disappointed for a moment, but Hux wasn’t sure why. Perhaps, it was the insinuation of switching positions. Perhaps, it was the fact that he had brushed off Ben’s words like they didn’t weigh down his chest.

“Just lay on the bed like a normal person, would you?” Hux grunted, pulling back slowly so that Ben would sit up. 

“I thought it was your turn to watch me,” Ben pointed out, obviously thinking that Hux meant he should go back to his own room.

Instead Hux spread out his body along the full size mattress, pressed to one side. There wasn’t an immense amount of room left, but he patted the space beside him nonetheless. Ben looked at him, surprise obvious in his expression, and slowly pulled himself up onto the bed. 

They laid beside each other silently, Hux staring at the gray shadow of morning spilling across the ceiling. Maybe it would just be easier to get up and get started with the day, but his entire body ached with the need for sleep.

“You’re practically falling off the edge, buttercup,” Ben spoke up, and Hux turned his head to look at him.

“I’m not,” he lied.

“So, you wouldn’t slip off if I just gave you a little nudge-” Ben pushed an arm out, and Hux clung onto it.

“Okay, okay, you’re right,” Hux breathed, not entirely enticed at the idea of smacking the hardwood floor after a fall. 

In turn, Ben yanked his body across the mattress. There wasn’t much room to travel, of course, but Hux was still surprised at how easily he moved under Ben’s grip. It left only a few inches of space between them, and when Hux lifted a hand to brace himself it rested easily against Ben’s chest. 

Ben took the hand and placed it on top of his head, nudging Hux’s fingers greedily. Hux grinned despite the sheer petulance, and worked his fingers through the dark hair. Ben offered a sleepy smile. Hux’s heart could have melted.

“I don’t like that one,” Hux whispered after a few moments.

“Hmm?” Ben queried, eyelashes already casting little shadows across his cheekbone. Hux traced them with the fingertips of his free hand. 

“Buttercup,” he clarified, nose crinkling slightly, “I don’t like that one,” 

Ben’s eyes fluttered open at that, half lidded still as he looked at Hux curiously. Hux held his gaze for as long as he could, which was only a few seconds, before he instead focused his attention on Ben’s hair. 

“I thought you didn’t like any of them, Doll,” Ben mumbled. 

“I don’t,” Hux clarified, “Just… especially not that one,” 

When he glanced back down, Ben was staring at him peculiarly. It made Hux’s heart race to see his eyes so heavily focused on him, fighting sleep just to search his expression for something. Hux offered him a smile, because it was all that he could do, and Ben let his eyes shut once again.

“Okay,” Ben yawned, “Noted, pumpkin,”

Hux rolled his eyes, shoving Ben slightly in the chest. Before he could push him again, strong arms were wrapped tightly around his waist to keep him in place. Hux swallowed thickly, stilling his body against Ben.

It was the closest they had been in years, since before they finished college, he realized. And yet, he felt right back at home. Ben didn’t appear to be affected in the slightest, only let his head nuzzle against the pillow and tried to soak in whatever sleep came to him.

That was the difference between the two of them. Ben, who displayed every emotion he ever had on his face, as clear as day, was unaffected in having Hux in his arms. But Hux, who hid every trace of feeling beneath thick walls, couldn’t even try to cover up the impact it had on him.

He was only thankful that Ben was no longer awake to feel him trembling. 

Hux breathed deeply, running his fingers through Ben’s hair even after he had fallen asleep. The arms tightened around his waist with the gentle touches, and Hux let out a surprised gasp when he felt Ben nuzzle into him.

It would still be hours before anyone else woke up, but Hux was fine with that. This was their own little world, something that Hux never expected to have again in his life. Again, he thought to himself, remembering the times where Ben had weaseled his way into Hux’s bed while he slept.

And Hux, who always put on a show of reprimanding him, could barely breathe without Ben crowding his space. But now, now that Ben was tucked up into his chest, with one leg slung across his hip and his arms wrapped securely around his waist, Hux felt at peace.

He didn’t fall asleep completely. It was impossible for him to after he had waken up. But he drifted, eyes too heavy to open when he heard the shuffle of feet in the hallway. They stopped outside of his door, the door that Rey had left open just in case, and Hux felt the weight of eyes on him.

The sound of confused whispering pulled him from whatever trance he had drifted into, but he didn’t bother moving. He heard a mumble that sounded like his name, but try as he might couldn’t distinguish the voice. At the conversation, Ben buried himself deeper into Hux’s chest to block out the noise.

Hux wondered how the thudding of his heart didn’t wake him up.


	2. Chapter 2

“Is it really the best idea to be drinking right now?” Poe’s voice was hushed, and Phasma shot him a look from where she sat on the counter.

“It’s a glass of wine, Poe,” she scoffed indignantly, “Even pregnant women are allowed a glass of wine once in awhile,”

Poe screwed up his face, looking up from his chopping to watch Phasma carefully. She stuck out an arm to offer him the bottle, newly opened and still mostly full. Hux watched amusedly from his spot across the room.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Poe started, “And I also don’t think that Ben should be exposed to alcohol-”

“Give it a rest, Poe,” Phasma rolled her eyes, finishing the last of the drink, “How much do you think a half a glass of red wine is going to do to me?”

Hux smiled fondly, watching his best friend maintain eye contact with Poe as she poured herself another glass. He looked disgruntled, like he had expected her to fold easily, but didn’t press further.

Phasma shot Hux a look of triumph, holding the bottle up to him in some sort of salute. Hux bit back laughter, so he wouldn’t further aggravate Poe, and motioned for Phasma to bring him a drink.

“Honestly?” Poe huffed, “You can’t go a week without drinking?”

“Keep it up,” Phasma warned.

“I’m just saying, I think it’s inappropriate-” Poe sighed.

Phasma mumbled something under her breath that Hux couldn’t quite catch, but it left Poe’s face reddened almost instantly. His mouth snapped shut, and he dropped his head to focus on preparing dinner.

Hux quirked an eyebrow in her direction, and Phasma just shrugged as she handed him a mason jar filled with the drink. Raising the glass to his lips, he watched Poe’s color fade slowly back to normal as he worked.

“Phas,” Hux beckoned her over, but she simply shook her head.

Before Hux could get another word in, the front door was opened and slammed shut again. Rey’s voice filled the room, rambling about nothing in particular. At the sound, Finn popped out of the living room and followed them happily into the kitchen.

“How was your walk?” Poe asked brightly, and Hux shot Phasma a look who in turn rolled her eyes.

“A mistake,” Ben admitted, scratching at his arm, “We forgot the bug spray,”

“I reminded you thirty seconds before you left, idiot,” Hux cocked his head to the side.

Ben perked up at the sound of his voice, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. Rey maneuvered her way through the kitchen to steal a hunk of cheese from the cutting board, and Poe half heartedly swatted her away.

“Yes, Doll, I’m aware,” Ben laughed, “I remembered about two minutes after leaving the house,”

“And you didn’t turn back,” Finn snorted, patting Ben’s shoulders sympathetically.

“Well, my decision making skills as of late haven’t exactly been in their prime,” Ben answered.

A tense silence fell over the room, and suddenly Hux’s glass was entirely more interesting than the conversation happening. No one was exactly sure what to say, though he could see Poe struggling to form some thought from the corner of his eye.

“It was a joke,” Ben whined, throwing his arms up in surrender.

“Ben,” Poe sighed, shaking his head slightly. 

“Not your best material,” Hux blurted out, tapping his fingers against the glass.

Ben looked at him, somewhat surprised but overall relieved. He moved to sit down across from him at the table, flicking Hux’s anxious fingers until they stopped their tapping.

“No?” he asked, head perched on the heel of his hand.

“Not that you’re funny in the first place,” Hux reminded him.

“Oh,” Ben nodded understandingly, “Of course, right,”

“But that one was just,” Hux waved his hands as he tried to come up with the word, “Lame,” 

All eyes were on the two of them again, and Hux could feel the tension around him. Perhaps, the situation should have been handled differently. Maybe it would have made a decent segway to get into some truthful conversation, to cover the topic of why Ben had done what he did and how they could prevent it again.

But when Hux’s eyes finally met Ben’s, he saw something that resembled appreciation in his expression. And despite Poe looking like he was about to erupt beside them, or Finn’s anxious tip toeing around the kitchen, he was confident in his decision.

“Thanks for the feedback,” Ben smirked.

“Anything for the sake of comedy,” Hux raised his glass in some sort of toast, willing himself to not finish the entire thing in one gulp. 

Ben relaxed into the chair, glancing up at the rest of the people in the room. Their eyes quickly diverted from him, pretending like they hadn’t been watching and waiting for something more dramatic to happen.

“So Poe,” he grinned casually, “What’s for dinner?” 

Hux snickered beside him, earning a delighted look from Ben. Poe, on the other hand, did not seem nearly as amused.

The mood of the room lightened gradually, with Ben attempting to make as many jokes as possible. The majority of them were ridiculous, something out of a poorly written sitcom, but when Hux looked around to see everyone groaning between laughter and insulting Ben’s comedic skills, it was clear that they did the job.

“Phasma,” Ben cried out as she tried to secretly pour more wine into her glass, “Are you going to share with anyone else at the table?”

“Hux got a glass,” Phasma pointed out, gesturing to where Hux sat cradling his half empty glass.

“Hux doesn’t count,” Ben rolled his eyes, “He could spend working on one drink,”

“Excuse you,” Hux scoffed.

“Pumpkin, don’t act like it’s not true,” Ben warned.

“Yeah, pumpkin, quit your whining,” Rey smirked, resting her chin on her knee as she watched Hux with a knowing smile.

Hux scowled, irritated by the sound of Rey’s voice using the nickname. He didn’t like it. He also didn’t like it when Ben used them, of course he hated that, but something was different when Rey said it. 

Stubbornly, Hux lifted the glass to his lips and drank greedily. There was a decent amount of wine left, but he was set on making the others eat their words. Within a few seconds he finished the rest, and made it a point not to crinkle his nose at the obvious taste of alcohol.

“I count,” Hux demanded, “So, technically Phasma has shared,” 

“You still don’t count,” Ben shook his head.

“No one else has asked,” Phasma pointed out before Hux could argue further.

“It’s shitty wine,” Hux hiccupped, “I don’t blame them,” 

Ben laughed, reaching out to shove Hux playfully on the shoulder. Hux absorbed the blow with a little smile, balancing himself on the chair.

“Maybe we shouldn’t drink for the week,” Poe spoke up finally, and Hux was surprised he had lasted that long without blowing up. 

“Why not?” Ben challenged, staring at Poe directly awaiting the answer.

“Ben,” Poe sighed, “Come on,” 

Ben only smiled, tilting his head and placing his chin on the palms of his hands. He quirked an eyebrow in Poe’s direction, taunting him to actually say what was on his mind. Poe grumbled under his breath, and Hux saw how difficult speaking had suddenly become for him.

“Because,” Poe huffed out finally, “We’re barely three days out from a traumatic event. It’s in poor judgement to-”

“So let me get this straight,” Ben cut him off, “You’re allowed to smoke weed out the window while everyone’s asleep, but Phasma can’t have a few glasses of wine with dinner?”

Poe stuttered, tugging a hand through his unruly hair. Finn shot him a look of sheer disappointment, and Hux immediately looked to Phasma. He could only assume that it was what she had been talking about earlier, but her attention was focused on the scene folding out before them.

“That was private,” Poe pointed out, “It wasn’t in front of…”

“In front of who, Poe?” Ben pressed, “In front of me? So, it’s not okay for me to even look at alcohol because I’m traumatized, but apparently you’re so unbothered that getting stoned out of your mind is no issue,”

“Enough, Ben,” Poe demanded, “I’m just trying to look out for you,” 

Ben didn’t speak for a moment, just stared at Poe like he was searching for a lie within the words. The amusement that Hux had felt watching Ben challenge him was long gone, replaced with something uncomfortable.

“Great job you did with that,” Ben spoke finally, and Poe looked like he had been slapped across the face. 

Rey moved to hold onto Ben’s shoulder, like it would help calm him down. Ben only shook her off, angry eyes cast down on his plate. Hux noticed how little he had actually eaten, the majority of the food was just moved around the plate. 

“Thanks for dinner,” Ben mumbled finally, “I’m going to bed,”

Ben pushed his chair back and stood up abruptly. The table shook at the sudden movement, and Hux lurched forward to catch a glass before it fell. Ben looked almost apologetically at him, before the expression of anger took over again.

As he stormed out of the room, Phasma rose to follow him. Hux watched as she fell in line with him, a hand resting tentatively on his shoulder. This time, though he visibly tensed up, Ben didn’t shove her away.

“Really, Poe?” Finn spoke finally.

“What?” Poe asked, disgruntled, “I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to be exposed to drugs right after a…”

Hux rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest as he rose to start clearing the table. Poe didn’t look up at him, just chewed his lip like he was trying to work up the courage to speak again.

“You can make all of these rules, and baby him to the point of a tantrum, yet you can’t even say the words out loud,” Hux shook his head, disgusted.

“Fuck off, Hux,” Poe hissed, burying his face in his hands.

“Are a few drinks with friends really going to send him into a spiral of alcoholism? Last I remember, Ben wasn’t exactly one to drown his sorrows in liquor,” Hux grunted as he stacked the plates in the sink.

“Yeah, well, you haven’t spoken to him in two years so what the fuck would you know,” Poe exploded, voice raised enough that Finn jumped at his spot at the table in surprise.

Hux gripped the sides of the sink, feeling that familiar tug of guilt weigh down in his chest. From behind him, he could hear Finn scolding Poe for his outburst. When he turned back towards them, Rey was staring at him sadly. 

Hux scrambled to think of something to throw back at him, something that would make Poe feel the way Hux felt now. It had only taken a few words, and yet he felt his world crumbling around him again. 

In the end, he just walked away. Finn called out for him as he left the room, but Hux kept walking. The last room on the right, he just had to make it that far and then everything would be okay. 

He would be alone. Everything was fine when he was alone. No one was there to see how weak he could be. No one was there to rip his heart out of his chest like it meant nothing. 

“This is fine,” Hux chanted the mantra to himself, “Everything is good and I am okay,”

Walking down the hall, he was blind to everything but the door at the end of the hall. He froze, however, when he heard soft voices coming from the room next to him. The door was ajar, and he could faintly make out Ben’s body lying on the bed.

“-make him come? Did you?” Hux caught the end of the sentence.

“Of course not,” Phasma hummed, “He wanted to be here,”

“Did Poe-” Ben started, and he heard Phasma shushing him. 

“Do you really think he’d do anything because Poe wanted him to?” Phasma asked, and Ben chuckled weakly.

“You’re right,” Ben admitted finally, “I’m surprised they haven’t killed each other yet,” 

“It’ll happen soon enough,” Phasma assured him, and Hux watched as Ben rolled over on the bed, most likely to cuddle up against her.

Something in him tore, knowing that he was laying next to her. Just that morning it was Hux that he held close to his chest, and now here he was with a leg slung over Phasma’s hip and his arms wrapped around her waist. 

Hux leaned against the wall, bringing a hand up to cover his mouth. For a moment, he considered walking away. What they were talking about was none of his business. It was an invasion of privacy to listen in.

And yet, Hux stayed. Because he knew that Ben was talking about him, that Ben didn’t believe Hux would have come without someone forcing him to. It should have angered him that the other man had such little faith in him.

But it didn’t. Hux knew why Ben hadn’t thought he’d be there, why the look of surprise crossed his face every time Hux spoke up and he was reminded of his presence. Hux was the last person Ben would have expected to come. 

And maybe he shouldn’t have, he realized slowly. Not when everyone was so meticulously planning ways to brighten Ben’s day, and he was winging every interaction they shared. 

Hux took a step towards his room, configuring the clothing he had put away and just how long it would take to pack it up. Calling a cab wouldn’t be impossible, it was barely 9 o’clock, and there was bound to be a flight cross country sometime within the night.

It was a mistake to come. It was a mistake to think that he had anything worthwhile to offer Ben during this time. Hux didn’t belong. Poe was right. He didn’t know Ben anymore, he had no business inserting himself into his life during such a difficult time. 

It had been two years since they spoke last, two years since Hux broke down in that gallery bathroom and promised himself he would stop the masochism. Two years since Hux broke his own heart in some attempt to save himself. 

Hux moved further down the hall, keeping his footprints light so they would not be heard. It was time to leave, he decided, in the same way that he decided to cut Ben from his life. As he passed the room, he almost missed Ben’s soft words to Phasma that stopped him in his tracks.

Hux swallowed thickly, waiting for the ringing in his ears to stop. Faintly, he registered a stinging in his eyes and blinked back any threatening tears as quickly as they appeared. The bed creaked beneath the weight of Ben’s wriggling, and Hux smiled softly at the memory of what a horrible bedmate Ben had always been. 

“I’m happy that he’s here,” Ben had whispered amidst the shuffling, “I never stopped missing him,”

-

“Hey,” Hux faintly registered a hand shaking his shoulder, “Move over, Doll,”

Hux grumbled in his sleep, one hand extending to shove at whatever was pressing into him. The shaking only persisted, getting slightly rougher with each passing second. Finally, Hux pulled himself from sleep and opened his eyes.

Ben was staring down at him from beside the bed, one hand sturdily placed on Hux’s shoulder. He looked timid in a way, something that was rare for the man. Hux pushed himself up on his elbows and stared at him curiously.

“Are you waking me up before the sun rises for the second day in a row?” he asked groggily, rubbing his eye with a loose fist. 

“Technically we slept until midday after, pumpkin,” Ben argued, and Hux laughed breathlessly as he searched the room for a clock.

“Time?” he asked, reaching uselessly in an attempt to move the cup of water that blocked his digital clock on the nightstand.

Ben watched him amusedly, one large hand moving the cup to the other side of the bedside table. Hux’s eyes were already slipping closed, and in their bleary state he found the flashing numbers of the clock difficult to distinguish.

“Two,” Ben whispered, and Hux collapsed against the bed with a low groan.

He cracked an eye open to look at Ben, who was standing at his bedside ringing his hands. Something about him seemed off, Hux realized even in his state of exhaustion, and he sat up slowly.

“You okay?” he inquired softly.

“Can’t sleep,” Ben admitted sheepishly. 

Hux wanted to ask him just how often he was unable to get a good night’s rest, but the heavy bags beneath Ben’s eyes seemed to answer the question for him. It wasn’t new, it couldn’t have been. 

Without further questioning, Hux scooted to the other side of the bed so that there was room for Ben to climb in. He pulled the blankets back and waited for Ben to move. However, Ben looked like he was beginning to regret showing up in the first place.

Hux reached out and took a hold of his wrist, tugging him until his knees hit the mattress. Ben smiled, though there was something nervous to it, and let himself be yanked into the bed. 

They settled in together, Ben’s arms tentatively curling around Hux’s waist. One hand rested on his hip, and the other on the small of his back. Hux sighed into the touch, his cheek finding its place against Ben’s chest.

Ben bumped against Hux’s arm, eyes pleading. Hux just chuckled softly, and nodded as he moved his fingers to tangle in Ben’s hair. The man looked content when he got what he wanted, and practically purred under the touch.

He remembered seeing Ben in a similar position with Phasma earlier, and something in his stomach tugged. Hux reminded himself that he was not special, that Ben was a serial cuddler and always had been. 

“You’re going to give Rey a heart attack,” Hux teased, ignoring the sinking feeling in his chest. His voice was slightly muffled from the fabric of Ben’s shirt. 

“I left a note,” Ben clarified.

“A note,” Hux whistled, “You were confident in your ability to get into my bed, apparently,” 

Ben shook against him, and Hux reveled in the vibrations. It felt so good to know that he was the one behind that little bout of happiness. 

“Should I have been concerned, babycakes?” he asked jokingly, but there was some worry in his voice.

Is that why you left me? The words flashed through Hux’s mind once more, remembering the hurt in his expression. A similar pain was in his eyes now. 

“Hey,” Hux murmured, “How many nights did you actually spend in your bed when we were roommates? I was just waiting for your overly affectionate ass to show up at my door,” 

Ben grinned, and Hux remembered how cold his bed felt on the rare nights that he was not there to fill it. It had become difficult to sleep without him there, and just as Hux found comfort in lying alone, Ben was back to being beside him.

“Did you get any sleep?” Hux asked sweetly, fingers carding through the other’s hair.

“Fifteen minutes,” Ben’s eyelashes fluttered against his wrist, “Here or there,” 

“Sounds like you’re more than ready to start the day,” Hux snorted.

“Some nights are worse,” Ben admitted, and Hux felt the weight of severity in his words.

“Yeah?” he inquired, rolling onto his stomach so he could get a better look at Ben’s face, “How much worse?”

Ben whined at the new position, his arms scrambling in some attempt to keep them secured around Hux. In the end, he settled on tracing shapes on the small of his back instead, and Hux held back the shudder that threatened him from the touch.

“Sometimes I don’t sleep at all,” Ben didn’t meet his eyes, just stared at his moving fingers.

“What do you do instead?” Hux felt the infinite questions bubbling up, desperate to know everything that he missed in their two years apart. He restrained himself from asking them all at once.

“Stare at the ceiling, read a book, I took up knitting a few months ago,” Ben’s nose scrunched up, “My apartment has a little balcony. Sometimes I sit out there and watch the lights,”

“Stupid,” Hux griped, “You’ll catch a cold,”

Ben shoved him slightly, and Hux gripped onto the side of the bed to keep from rolling off. When the grip on his waist tightened, however, he realized that Ben wouldn’t have let him hit the ground.

“Thanks, mom,” Ben hummed, “I’ll wear a sweater next time,”

For the first time since the day before, Hux let himself look at Ben’s arms properly. The bandages around his wrists were a stark white against his freckled skin, curling slightly at the edges where he had gotten them wet washing his hands.

Tentatively, Hux reached out to run a hand over Ben’s upper arm. Goosebumps prickled his fingertips, and without a second thought Hux yanked up the quilt to cover them more fully. 

“How is your mom?” Hux asked quietly.

“The same,” Ben shrugged, “Busy,”

“Did she-” Hux started, but Ben knew the question before it tumbled out.

“She and my dad visited me the day after,” he nodded, “But she’s working in D.C. so they obviously couldn’t hang around for very long,”

Hux didn’t know what to say at that point. Of course, Ben’s parents had always been busy. His mother was a senator, his father was a pilot. They had never been the type of family to spend an abundance of time together at one given point.

But this should have been different. This warranted more than one day cramped in a hospital room together. Hux could only imagine the lectures Senator Organa hurled at him, the uncomfortable glances from the corner of the room as his father tried to ignore the situation altogether. 

At that moment, when he saw the disappointment in Ben’s eyes, he wish he had flown out the second Poe called him. He wished that he spent every second possible at Ben’s bedside, that he was there to suffer through the family ordeal.

“Remember when you brought me home for Easter,” Hux whispered, and Ben quirked an eyebrow.

“Freshman year?” Ben clarified, and Hux nodded vigorously. 

“When my family was moving from the base in Germany to one in Scotland,” Hux recalled, “And they told me there was no point in coming home for that break,”

“And you were just going to spend the week in the library,” Ben snorted, the memory obviously coming back to him. 

“Which was a good plan,” Hux defended.

“It was pathetic,” Ben murmured, almost apologetically. 

“Maybe,” Hux disclosed.

“Pathetic enough for me to invite you back to the shitshow at my house,” Ben added, and Hux smacked uselessly at his chest to get him to shut up.

“Quit using that word,” he demanded.

“Fine, dear,” Ben conceded, “What about it?”

“I just,” Hux furrowed his eyebrows, “I remember thinking how it was overwhelming. How much they loved you,” 

Ben narrowed his eyes, searching Hux’s face for a joke. Something in his mood shifted, like he was almost angry at the accusation. More than anything, though, he was confused. 

“We’re thinking about the same holiday, right?” Ben asked, “The one where my mother made us sit at the end of the table with the kids-”

“We were barely eighteen,” Hux reminded him, and Ben shot him a pointed look.

“This is the same dinner that my father shoveled food onto my plate so that I would have an ‘extra reserve’ as a backup when my life as a starving artist began,” Ben fired back, and Hux flinched slightly at the memory.

“Yes,” Hux nodded, “That’s the one,”

“So what exactly was the pivotal moment that showed you their undying love for me?” Ben demanded, “Was it the fact that they had already transformed my bedroom into another office space for my mother? Or that my dad showed up late and then left twenty minutes early to fly across the country?”

Hux felt his face burning, knowing full well how touchy of a subject it was for Ben. When they were younger, he was the angsty teen straight out of a movie that could complain about his parents’ actions for hours.

And of course, there was a reasonability to his whining. They never had the time for him that he desired. They were always working, always fighting, always making Ben feel inadequate in a way that he couldn’t explain.

But Hux had seen the love between them. He saw the way that his father, Han, and his mother, Leia, stared at him like he hung the stars in the sky. It was overwhelming for Hux, at first, especially since he had just started to look at Ben the same way.

“They were so supportive of you,” Hux whispered, “It was like they couldn’t brag about you enough to the other guests. I’d never seen something like it before,”

Ben looked at him skeptically, but didn’t say anything. Hux felt his face heat up at the confession, felt like he was trespassing in Ben’s world. 

“I talked to your mom in the kitchen after dinner, when I was helping with the dishes,” Hux breathed.

Ben let out a tired chuckle, the memory of a scrawny Hux scrambling to find a way to help in any way possible resurfacing. If they had been kind enough to invite him into their home during a holiday, he would make himself useful. 

“She told me that she was glad you had a chance to see your dad, that he had been working a lot more lately,” Ben snorted at the words, but Hux snuggled into him further, “She said he was doing it to help pay for your tuition, and that he didn’t mind missing a few holidays if it meant you got to get the education he never did,” 

Ben froze at that, like he hadn’t expected the words. Hux had always wondered if Ben knew why his father was so distant during their college years, but it was obvious he didn’t.

“She also said that she became a senator because of you,” Hux continued, “That she wanted a better world for her son, and it was the best way she could think to give it to him,”

Ben shuddered slightly, his head tilting away from Hux. In the dim light of the moon, Hux noticed the streaks running down Ben’s face. Pushing himself up slightly, he stuck a hand out to wipe the tears away.

“You never told me,” Ben huffed, tone somewhat accusatory. 

“I thought it would sound better to you coming from her,” Hux admitted.

“She’s never said anything like that to me,” Ben confessed, and Hux traced his fingers gently over his jawline, “Nothing even close,”

“I know,” Hux whispered, but it sounded like an apology. 

“And she said that to you after one dinner,” Ben grumbled. 

“Well, I’m very good with people,” Hux joked lightly, “And I have the kind of pretty face that mothers just love to trust,”

Ben let out a sort of choked laugh at that, though it sounded like another bout of crying in a way. He turned his head back to stare at Hux with sad eyes, and moved his hand up to cover the other’s where it laid against his cheek.

“They used to call me a ‘happy accident’,” Ben swallowed, “But a lot of the time I felt more like a mistake,”

Hux hugged onto Ben tightly, trying to keep him from slipping away. In the dead of the night everything felt flimsy, like a certain breath could be the wrong move and Hux would be losing Ben all over again.

“They love you,” Hux assured him, trying to sound as serious as possible.

Ben nodded, not looking entirely convinced. Hux suddenly was overcome with the need for Ben to know how much he was adored. There had always been insecurities within him, but this seemed more dire than ever.

“Ben,” Hux spoke, voice far steadier than he had expected it to be, “You are loved,”

Something in Ben shifted, and he laughed off the comment with a nod of his head. He rolled over slightly, tugging the quilt up again like he was getting ready to sleep. Hux gently cradled the other’s face in his hands, and turned him back.

“You are loved so much, so dearly,” Hux promised him, “You are adored, and admired, and cherished by so many people. You are important, as a son and as a friend and as an artist and as every single thing you have ever been in your life,”

Ben’s eyes welled up once more, and he attempted to pull free from Hux’s grasp. Hux refused to let go, he only stared at him more forcefully, trying to instill the words with as much severity as he could.

“You are loved every second, of every minute, of every hour, of every day,” Hux murmured, “You are loved so deeply, and strongly. Forever, no matter what mistakes you may make or how low you feel, I promise you that you are loved,”

Ben’s arms circled Hux’s waist, squeezing him against his chest. They laid against each other, and Hux didn’t try to convince him further. Ben whispered a series of thank yous against Hux’s neck, curling as close to him as possible. 

The shaking against him slowly died out, with Ben’s grip loosening as well as he drifted off to sleep. It had been an exhausting conversation, Hux was well aware, but something in him could not settle yet. 

“I love you, Ben,” Hux whispered against the sleeping man, fingers tracing as delicately as they could through his hair, “Try as I might, I could never stop loving you. It’s what makes being around you so goddamn difficult,” 

-

“Doll,” Ben laughed from his spot sitting cross legged on the bed, “We’re just going fishing a little ways down the trail. Not on a trek up Everest,”

Hux scoffed, whipping around to shoot the man a warning look. He continued to rifle through his suitcase, trying to find the most appropriate clothing for the trip. Of course, he had packed suitable outdoor wear, but nothing seemed right.

There was a t-shirt he had packed for the fourth night, but it was too thin. The sky looked like it would open up at any moment, which Hux had tried to point out to Poe to no avail, and he didn’t want to be completely soaked through his clothes before they arrived back at the house.

Before he could offer to hang behind and help Finn and Rey with grocery duty, he was hit in the face with a thick shirt. It knocked Hux back, and his hands immediately moved up to grip the fabric. 

“Now you won’t get your fancy clothes dirty, pumpkin,” Ben taunted.

Hux ripped the shirt off of his face, raising a finger to scold the other until he realized that the shirt in his hand was right off of Ben’s back. Ben sat grinning on the bed, very clearly bare from the waist up.

“I didn’t bring fancy clothes,” Hux settled on, restraining himself from staring too long at Ben’s chest.

Of course, he was in better shape than when they were roommates. Not like that had ever seemed possible, what with Ben having biceps that rivaled the size of Hux’s head, and yet here they were.

“Aren’t you going to comment on my smokin’ bod, baby?” Ben badgered.

Hux raised his middle finger from his spot on the floor, focusing instead on securing the buttons of the flannel over his worn t-shirt. The fabric was heavy and warm, like the weight of Ben’s sleeping body the night before.

No one had said anything when Ben and Hux came downstairs for breakfast, but he noticed the curious looks. He heard the whispering from the doorway while they were first starting to wake up. But no one said anything.

It was almost as if they were trying to ignore the fact that Ben slept in Hux’s bed. He didn’t find it to be a big deal, it was just sleeping. Ben was always able to sleep better when he was lying next to someone else. 

Hux was just a body. It meant nothing. 

“Earth to Hux,” Ben’s body thudded down next to him, causing Hux to jump slightly.

Warm hands wrapped around Hux’s, slapping them away until he finally let them drop to his side. Ben took the discarded buttons between his fingers, securing them much faster than Hux was able to.

“For someone who wears an abundance of button ups,” Ben started amusedly, “You sure suck at doing this in a timely fashion,”

“The fabric is too thick,” Hux lied, “And I’m tired. You kept me up half the night with your wriggling,”

“Excuses, excuses,” Ben sing-songed, and Hux ignored the heat he felt against his back from the other man’s bare body, “I don’t remember you being someone so full of intent to push the blame onto someone else,” 

In reality, Hux wasn’t sure that he had ever slept better. He was a perpetually cold person, always biting back visible shivering no matter how many layers he wrapped himself in. When he was at home, he would often don a heavy sweater over a thermal shirt and it still wasn’t enough to warm him.

But with Ben there, he found himself pleasantly warm. The heavy quilt could have easily been discarded, and he would have felt more heated than when he was at home with his legs tucked beneath his kotatsu. 

“Do I really wriggle?” Ben asked curiously, pulling himself up off of the ground where Hux still sat. 

“Horribly,” Hux assured him with a roll of his eyes.

Ben quirked an eyebrow, arms crossed over his chest. All that he needed to do was tap a foot, Hux thought, and he would resemble a mother scolding her child for fibbing. It was enough to make Hux fold. 

“Fine,” he huffed, pushing himself to his feet, “You’re basically dead weight the entire time. Which also proves some difficulty when sleeping, might I point out,”

“I knew it,” Ben smiled triumphantly, “You’ve got to keep track of your complaints, lovebug,”

Hux turned to him, confusion plastered on his face. Ben looked like he was waiting for him to pick up on the comment, but Hux simply shook his head.

“You used to complain that I would suffocate you,” Ben reminded him, “And that you were so incredibly weak that you couldn’t push me off-”

“Hey,” Hux quipped, “I never said that last bit-”

“Oh, yes,” Ben nodded, “Remember? You used to beg me to bring you to the gym and teach you just how I managed to get these guns,”

Ben flexed his arms, and Hux felt his knees go weak. He stuck out a hand to rest on the bed-frame for some form of support, and kept as neutral of an expression as humanly possible. Ben brought his fist up to his lips to kiss it.

“Did you just kiss your fist?” Hux snorted.

“Yes,” Ben scoffed, “That’s what people do-”

“That is not what people do,” Hux cackled, “Ever. Never in my life have I seen that,”

“It is so,” Ben demanded, “People kiss their fist when they’re showing off their totally ripped muscles that their best friend only wishes they could have,”

“Their bicep,” Hux could barely breathe between his laughter, “They kiss the actual muscle, not the fist you knob,” 

“No,” Ben shook his head, but he seemed to be questioning himself. Hux had to sit down, an arm clutching his abdomen from the laughing pains. 

Ben pouted, sitting beside him and shoving Hux slightly to get him to stop. Hux just crumbled forwards, forehead resting on Ben’s bare shoulder as he struggled to sort himself out. 

Of course, the situation was funny, but it usually wouldn’t warrant such an episode of laughter. Hux blamed it on his lack of sleep, lack of fun, lack of Ben. Everything came together to hit him with a little fit of laughter like he hadn’t had in years.

“I don’t remember you being so giggly,” Ben mumbled, trying to sound angry but failing.

“I’m not,” Hux hiccupped, “It’s just something about you,” 

The confession was heavy in the light situation. It brought Hux back from his gasping to steady out his breathing, his head still resting against Ben’s shoulder. A hand rubbed at his back as he hiccupped, fingers tensing slightly every time his body jumped.

Finally, as Hux played the conversation over in his head, he realized the words ‘best friend’ that had so easily left Ben’s lips. His chest lurched with a silent fondness, the dedication that Ben still felt to him almost tangible in the moment. 

“So you admit I’m funny,” Ben accused quietly. 

“No,” Hux shook his head slightly, “I’m laughing at you, not with you,”

“Mean,” Ben pointed out, “You’re still very mean to me,” 

“Mm,” Hux hummed thoughtfully, “What did you expect?” 

Ben didn’t answer for a minute. He just rubbed Hux’s back against the plaid shirt that he had buttoned in record time. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Hux wondered where he had gotten his practice. He knew the answer. It made his stomach twist. 

“I expected you not to come,” Ben answered truthfully, and whatever pain Hux thought he had felt was tripled with those few words.

“I expected you not to want me here,” Hux countered, and he could feel Ben pull back slightly to get a better look at him.

Hux moved with Ben, refusing to give up his spot on the other’s shoulder. It hid his face well enough that maybe Ben couldn’t see the utter terror in his eyes. 

“Why would you think that? What could possibly make me not want you?” Ben questioned softly, and Hux just sighed.

“Ben,” he choked, “Come on,”

Ben opened his mouth to say something else, probably to push Hux into getting those words they had been tip toeing around all weekend to finally come out. But before he could, there was a blunt knock at the door.

“Come on, boys,” Poe cried out, “I’ve been waiting for- Ben, why are you naked?”

Hux pulled himself off of Ben’s shoulder as soon as he heard the voice, bringing the thick sleeve of the shirt to his eyes to wipe away the stinging he felt behind them. Ben reached out for him, but Hux stood up and moved to fiddle with his suitcase before he could grab him.

“Ben gave me his shirt,” Hux explained, “I didn’t really pack anything suitable for fishing,”

“Hux,” Poe exclaimed, voice surprised, “Are you telling me that you weren’t prepared for any and every possible outcome of the week?”

Hux turned around, eyes falling on Ben. He was shirtless, leaning with his arms back against Hux’s bed to brace himself. When he saw Hux, his face lit up without reserve. Something in his gaze sparkled, and something in Hux’s chest burst. 

“No,” Hux admitted, “I guess I wasn’t,”   
Ben held his eyes, and Hux found himself being the one to break first. It was always him breaking first, he realized, but that was for another time. Poe still lingered in the doorway, yammering about the prime time for fishing and how they were going to miss it.

“It’ll be great,” Poe promised them.

“Phasma is coming,” Hux clarified, and Poe nodded with a wave of his hand.

“Yes, your girlfriend is coming,” Poe rolled his eyes, “I swear you can’t spend an hour apart from her,” 

Hux scoffed, hurling a balled up sock in Poe’s direction. He usually wasn’t one to resort to violence, especially after such a stupid comment, but Poe had a way of getting under his skin.

“Fuck off, Poe,” Hux hissed, and Poe laughed as he walked off down the hallway.

“Phas, your boy is whining for you again,” Poe singsonged, and from downstairs he heard the rumble of Phasma’s indistinguishable words. 

Hux rolled his eyes, pulling himself up from the ground once again. Ben hadn’t moved on the bed, despite Poe’s yelling for him to get dressed and get downstairs. 

“We’d better go before Poe shoved a hook in our asses and drags us to the lake himself,” Hux joked, but froze when he noticed the expression on Ben’s face.

He looked devastated in a way, betrayed in another. Overall, sad. It was unapologetic and open, like everything Ben had ever done. When Hux moved to place on a shoulder, Ben stood up abruptly and walked out of the room.

“Ben?” Hux called after him, jogging to catch up to him, “Ben, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t think I want to go anymore,” Ben spoke gruffly, attempting to close the door behind him before Hux could get a grip on it.

“What are you talking about?” Hux laughed breathlessly, hip secured against the door to keep it from closing fully.

“I don’t feel well,” Ben explained, “I want to sleep,”

“Ben, come on,” Hux narrowed his eyes, not buying the excuse for a second, “You’re going to break Poe’s heart if you back out of this at the last minute,” 

Ben watched him, waiting for Hux to add onto the sentence. Hux didn’t know what else to say, just stood outside the door with pleading eyes as he listened to Poe calling out for them from the bottom of the stairs.

“Poe’s heart,” Ben repeated angrily. 

“Ben, what are you,” Hux sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his pointer finger and thumb, “Yes? He thought that you would love the idea,”

“Funny that you’re looking out for Poe,” Ben whispered, “Seeing as you were yelling at him less than a minute ago for talking about your relationship,”

“My relationship?” Hux echoed, “Are you talking about his Phasma comment? Poe has always said shit like that, what is your problem with it now?”

Ben seemed to falter, and his grip on the door loosened. Hux took it as an opportunity to bust into the room, moving straight past where Ben was standing to the closet. He rifled through, grabbing a sweater that he deemed fit for the occasion and holding it out to Ben.

“Get dressed,” he commanded.

“Or what?” Ben sneered back, though his tone lost its previous ferocity.

“Or Poe is going to take out his disappointment on me for the next four days, which I am not about to deal with,” Hux cautioned, “Get dressed,” 

Reluctantly, Ben snatched the sweater from Hux’s hands. He slipped it over his head, finally, and Hux deflated with relief. In his next breath, he was grabbing Ben’s hand and dragging him out of the room towards the stairs. 

When they reached the bottom, Phasma was waiting with an amused look on her face. Her eyes flickered from their entwined hands to Hux’s face, a knowing smile playing at her lips. Hux dropped their hands as Poe entered the room, carrying the poles and bait box in his hands.

“Who’s ready for some fishing!” he exclaimed excitedly, missing out on the very obvious tension within the room. 

Ben took a step forward away from Hux, and he could only remember the first night they had been there. Is that why you left me? The question still hadn’t been answered, Hux thought. He hoped that he would never have to.

Phasma linked her arm in his, shooting him a look of worry. He simply shrugged, and she nodded like she understood. The situation made Hux happy to have a friend that could seemingly read his mind without a word. 

Ben glowered at him, and Hux averted his eyes. He was so unabashed in his staring, not caring at all who was able to see. Hux could barely stand the attention, and all at once wanted to fold within himself to hide.

“Cute shirt,” Phasma chirped, “Looks just like the one Ben was wearing earlier,”

“It is mine,” Ben responded before Hux could speak, “I let him borrow it,”

Phasma looked content, unhooking her arm from Hux’s to step forward and help Poe with the supplies. It left Ben and Hux trailing behind, an uncomfortable air between them. Hux played with the sleeves of the shirt and kept his eyes cast on the ground.

“She’s right,” Ben hummed, a gentleness to his voice, “The shirt does look cute on you. Makes you look tiny,”

“I am not tiny,” Hux scoffed, looking at Ben furiously.

Ben only smiled, like his plan was complete. Hux let himself relax, let the sleeves of the shirt droop to cover half of his hands. Ben’s fingers entwined with his as he pulled him along the path. 

“You’re slow, Doll,” he pointed out, “I’ve got to help you keep up,”

Hux nodded in agreement, not bothering to point out that they were only a few feet from where Poe and Phasma were. There were worse things than Ben holding his hand. 

-

“I’m not a lightweight,” Hux yelled, cradling his margarita to his chest.

The responding laughter was loud around him, and Hux only scowled at the room. The long sleeves of the flannel shirt slipped down his arms, and Hux spent a painstakingly long time pulling them back up to cover his palms.

Despite Poe’s nagging, Finn and Rey happily brought home an array of booze from their latest grocery run. It was Ben that had slipped them the money for it, Hux knew, because he was almost overjoyed at the sight of it all.

But Ben didn’t drink. Instead, he sipped casually on a tall glass of water and watched his friends butcher attempts at making mixed drinks. Poe remained sober as well, falling into the role of protective father as the others winced from shots.

“Hux,” Rey cackled, “You’re barely three drinks in,”

“And I am not even a little tiny bit drunk,” Hux countered, to which the room nodded sympathetically.

“It’s because he’s tiny,” Ben spoke up from his spot beside Hux on the couch.

Hux lost it at that, picking up a throw pillow to beat against Ben’s side. He remained unaffected through the sloppy hits, and only grabbed the pillow from Hux’s hands when his antics threatened to spill the drink.

“I’m not tiny!” Hux burst out, standing up on the tips of his toes.

“Tiny,” Phasma confirmed with a smirk. 

“I am over six feet tall!” Hux shrieked, “I am so tall, I am as tall as a building,” 

Hux refused to sit down, proving how tall he was by standing in the middle of the room and sipping his margarita. Finn tried to stifle his giggling into a pillow, while Rey laughed outright. Even Poe looked slightly amused at Hux’s antics.

“I drink. Lots,” Hux disclosed.

“You drink half a glass of red wine with dinner,” Phasma quirked an eyebrow, “Three margaritas on a stomach of crackers has you fucked up,”

“For your information, I drink whiskey,” Hux informed her, “Every minute,”

“Every minute?” Ben repeated, letting out an impressed whistle, “How exactly does that work, Doll? Like you take a shot every minute?”

“Two shots,” Hux corrected him, holding up the correct amount of fingers to represent the number.

Ben’s head tipped against the couch as he laughed, and Hux felt his cheeks heat up at the sight. He had done that, he reminded himself, he had made Ben laugh. That was all he wanted to do for the rest of his life. 

Slowly, Ben set down his glass on the side table and leaned forward. His arms were just long enough to get a gentle grip on Hux’s hips, and he pulled on him slightly. Hux staggered forward, confused, but trusting. 

Ben walked him back towards the couch, and pulled Hux into his lap. Hux made sure his drink didn’t spill, and took a greedy sip to finish it off as Ben’s arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

Hux smiled, unabashed, as he settled into Ben’s lap. He lifted his legs to settle on the empty spot on the couch where he was sitting previously, and Ben moved one hand to pat his thigh a few times. 

“You two are disgusting,” Rey stuck her tongue out.

“Don’t be envious,” Hux cuddled up to Ben, pressing their cheeks together, “I have to watch you and Finn drape yourselves off of each other, it’s a taste of your own medication,”

“Medicine, honey,” Ben corrected with a little laugh and Hux waved him off.

Finn, as if proving Hux’s point, pulled back slightly from his spot curled next to Rey. Rey shot a pointed look at Hux, who blew her a kiss in return. She rolled her eyes, too tired to be angry, and pulled Finn back into his normal spot. 

Poe stood up suddenly, crossing the room to head to the kitchen. Rey’s eyebrows shot up, but she looked at Finn. Finn looked worriedly after Poe, and excused himself quietly to follow after.

When Hux looked up, Phasma was staring at him. There was something he should have picked up in the look, he knew that, but he couldn’t quite register what it was. Usually their unspoken communication was so easy, but Hux was too intoxicated to focus.

“Christ, Hux, you are in a state,” Phasma laughed at him.

Hux waved off her words, but his head tilted slightly. Within a few seconds, he was nuzzling his cheek against the crook of Ben’s shoulder. When he felt the goosebumps popping up on the other man’s skin, he breathed out to warm him up.

“What are you doing?” Ben squirmed, voice strained, and Hux held onto his shoulders to keep him still.

“You’re cold,” he informed him, “I’m warming you up,”

“How thoughtful,” Ben commented, clapping a hand over Hux’s mouth. Hux continued to breathe out in an attempt to warm his friend.

“Let me help you,” Hux cried out, voice muffled by Ben’s hand. 

Ben pulled back finally, but shot Hux a warning look. Instead of breathing on him, Hux grappled for a blanket that was folded neatly on the back of the couch. He wrapped himself and Ben with it, snuggling in happily. 

From the ground, he heard a tiny meow. Hux lit up at the sight of Millicent, who had taken to spending the majority of her time in Hux’s room instead of exploring the house. Phasma scooped her up before Hux could grab her.

“I’m not letting you kill the cat,” she informed him.

“I would never hurt my cat, I love my cat,” Hux exclaimed, “Ben got me that cat and I love her so much sometimes I kiss the little beans of her toes. I love her,”

Ben rubbed circles on his back, stifling laughter against the blanket. Hux looked angrily at him, jabbing him half forcefully with his elbow. Ben caught his arm, grip so strong it was dizzying.

“Play nice, Doll,” he whispered in Hux’s ear. 

“Bite me,” Hux fired back.

Ben grinned devilishly, fingers brushing against the collar of the flannel shirt. It was pulled back to reveal the flushed skin of his collar bone, which Ben happily bit down on. 

“What are you two doing?” Rey shouted from the opposite side of the room, watching as Hux’s hands pounded against Ben’s chest.

“It’s like we’re back in college,” Phasma rolled her eyes, “These two can’t keep their hands to themselves,”

“Because we are friends, Phasm-ow,” Hux swatted at Ben’s head again after another bite, “Because we are friends and we love each other,” 

“I actually hate you,” Ben mumbled, “Hence the biting,” 

“You need to,” Hux furrowed his eyebrows, searching his mind for the right word, “Shush,” 

Rey snorted, taking a sip of her drink and shaking her head. Finn returned from the kitchen with a blender full of alcohol, and Hux let out a tiny cheer. His hands went into the air, and he wavered back and forth slightly. 

Poe followed him in, carrying a tray of leftovers from the past few days. At this, Hux’s eyes really lit up. Poe walked over to him first, offering him whatever he wanted to take. 

“I want to eat so much mac and cheese I puke,” Hux whispered, piling the noodles into a little bowl. 

“Nope,” Ben decided, “This is a good amount,” 

He waved Poe away, holding Hux securely in his lap so that he wouldn’t leap up in an attempt to get more. Hux had long forgotten anything else, and focused on slowly shoveling the meal into his mouth.

“Poe I would kiss you,” Hux smiled, “If I didn’t want to punch you in the fucking face every other second of my life,”

Poe snickered, rolling his eyes as he held out the food to Phasma. She was more practical about her choices, finding a balance between the meal. Hux pouted when he realized he had forgotten to steal a shrimp, but before he could complain Phasma was holding one out for him.

“Thank you Phasma,” Hux cooed, petting the top of her head. 

“I forgot what a fuck Hux is when he’s drunk,” Rey commented, having been watching him the majority of the time. 

Finn nodded in agreement, but ended up refilling Hux’s cup anyways. Ben’s mouth opened to disparage the action, but before he could say anything Hux was sipping away happily. 

“He’s been worse,” Phasma noted, “So much worse. I brought him out with me once and decided to never do that again,” 

Ben’s arms circled around Hux’s waist tighter, almost possessively after Phasma’s words. Hux pulled the little umbrella from his drink, and turned to place it in Ben’s hair with a smile. 

“If that gets stuck in my hair, you’re dead,” Ben promised him, but there was no ferocity to the threat. 

Hux felt his eyelids growing heavy, and his head began to swirl. To fix it, he rested his head on Ben’s shoulder again. His fingers instinctively went up to play with Ben’s hair without having to be asked, and Hux found that the practice helped him to relax.

“You’re going to knock my umbrella out,” Ben warned him.

“Thought you wanted it out,” Hux yawned, tugging on his hair a little and giggling, “Kinky,” 

Ben didn’t answer, just rested his cheek on top of Hux’s head. From around them, he could hear the dull roar of conversation. Rey was shouting about something, Finn was laughing from beside her. 

“Lightweight can’t even stay awake,” Finn snickered, and Hux halfheartedly flipped him off.

“I’m just resting my eyes,” he hummed, and felt the couch shift slightly.

Suddenly, there were hands on him. Hux shook his head, burying himself deeper against Ben. He didn’t want to move. He was comfortable and happy and wanted to stay. 

“Hux,” Phasma’s voice was steady, “Come on man, you should go to bed,”

Ben’s hands loosened slightly, giving him a gentle push to where Phasma was waiting with open arms. Hux looked at Ben, expression heartbroken by the loss of contact. Ben looked surprised, like he was going to pull him back, but before he could Hux was being tugged to his feet.

“I want Ben,” Hux whined quietly, and Phasma just nodded as she wrapped an arm around her waist.

“You’ll see Ben in the morning,” Phasma assured him, walking him towards the stairs.

“I want him now,” Hux rubbed his eyes with the back of his fist, and he heard Ben from behind him drawing in a deep breath.

“For now, we should say goodnight,” Phasma laughed gently, though something terrified was in her voice like she was just waiting for Hux to say something stupid. Perhaps he already had. 

“Goodnight everyone, I’m still not drunk,” Hux yawned, his hair falling into his eyes, “Goodnight, Ben, I’ll keep your side of the bed warm,”

“Christ,” Phasma muttered under her breath, picking up the pace as she led Hux upstairs.

Hux was still practically asleep, stumbling over his feet as he was guided to the last room on the right. When he came crashing down into the bed, he reached out for a moment like Ben was beside him.

Instead, he grabbed a pillow. Hux’s eyes opened more fully, bleary with sleep and intoxication, staring at the doorway like Ben might come running after him. Already, he missed him. It hadn’t even been two minutes.

“Phasma,” Hux sniffled, “I have to tell you something,”

Phasma carded her fingers through Hux’s hair, shushing him while she stood up to gently shut the door. There was a knowing look in her eyes when she returned to him and sat at the edge of the bed.

Hux shivered, freezing and nervous all at once. Phasma tugged the quilt over his body and rubbed his shoulders until his shaking died down bit by bit. He felt guilty for wishing that it was Ben beside him instead.

“I’m in love with Ben,” Hux whimpered into the pillow, the trembling picking up once the words came out, “Phasma, I love him so much,”

“Oh sweetie,” Phasma sighed, running her fingers up and down Hux’s back, “Hux, I know,” 

“What?” Hux turned to look at her, face red and eyes glassy.

Phasma tapped at his hip, and Hux scooted over towards the edge of the bed. Phasma laid down beside him, fingers running across his cheek. It was closer than he cared to be with most people, but at the moment he didn’t care. 

“How long have you,” Hux hiccupped, cursing his body, “How long have you known?”

“Since freshman year of college,” Phasma looked at him sadly, and Hux shook his head.

“No,” he whispered, “No, I was so careful. No one even knew I was gay,”

Phasma quirked an eyebrow, and Hux realized all at once how poor his attempts to cover it up must have been. He couldn’t even last a week without having thrown himself into Ben’s arms, and he had been somehow worse when they were younger.

“Who else knows?” Hux inquired softly. 

“Hux, it doesn’t-” Phasma started and Hux groaned into the pillow.

“I didn’t even know,” he shouted, voice muffled, “I didn’t even know until I went to that stupid gallery and saw his stupid smile and even then I was, I didn’t think it was real,”

Phasma rubbed his back more, trying to calm him down. It wasn’t working, he could barely think straight. With a start, he sat up and stared at Phasma with a look of horror in his eyes.

“Does Ben know?” he begged. 

“No,” Phasma shook her head, something on the tip of her tongue, “I don’t think that he has a clue,” 

Hux relaxed at that, sinking into the bed. Phasma talked to him, random things, until he had evened out. The alcohol left his system heavy, and his eyes struggled to remain open for more than a few seconds at a time.

On the verge of teetering off to sleep, he heard the creaking of the door. Phasma’s hand stopped moving against him, and drew back. Hux’s body felt too heavy to move, and he wondered faintly if Millicent had come to hide away like he did.

“I can handle it,” Phasma assured softly, “He’s in a bit of a state-”

Hux’s eyes opened slightly, still half expecting to see the cat in the doorway. He wasn’t completely wrong, of course. Ben stood, watching him anxiously, with Millicent perched in his arms. 

“Ben,” Hux smiled into the pillow, “Are you coming to bed?”

Phasma looked at him sternly, but Hux just reached out to pat her hand. She didn’t look entirely convinced, but after a few tense seconds she stood up. Hux squeezed her hand, holding onto it as she moved across the room until she was too far.

“If you need anything-” Phasma warned, and Hux watched as Ben patted her shoulder. 

Hux’s arms stuck out, welcoming Ben into his bed. Ben crawled beneath the blanket, letting Millicent jump from his arms to perch on the chair by the window. For once, Hux was the one to curl up against Ben first. 

Ben hesitated for a moment, but as soon as Hux’s fingers found their way to his hair he relaxed against him. Hux had half a mind to tell Ben that he loved him. He fell asleep before he could.


	3. Chapter 3

“What the fuck,” Hux coughed out, hand pawing at his mouth. The sun was beating against his eyes through a crack in the curtains, and his newly opened eyes squeezed themselves closed once again. 

The room was silent, and Hux mumbled a thanks to whatever god might be listening as his elbows gave out and his head dropped against the pillow. Briefly, he couldn’t place the reasoning behind his entire world spinning.

But then it came back to him. The margaritas. Hux had never been one for “fun” alcohol: he liked his red wine and brown liquor. Of course he let the words of his friends get the best of him, and pushed himself to drink far more than a reasonable amount.

Hux grimaced, reached for his phone on the bedside table and pulled up his e-mail. Since seven o’clock the previous night, he had over twenty messages to read and respond to. Reading the tiny type made his eyes ache further. 

In some sudden realization, Hux’s grip on his phone slipped and it landed with a heavy thud against his chest. His fingers traced along the flannel, methodically locking the mobile device before he set it back on the table. 

The other side of the bed was empty. Cold. Without Ben. Hux felt a heavy weight settle in the pit of his stomach as he tried to recount the night’s events. After Phasma left, he had fallen asleep. At least, that’s what Hux thought happened.

Hux bolted upright in bed, ignoring the nausea that set in from the action. Hangovers had never been his favorite way to start a morning, they were what quelled his drinking habits from college. However, he remembered how to handle them.

Rule number one: sleep in. Hux looked at the clock and saw that it read fifteen minutes past 7. Compared to his usual mornings, this was sleeping in. Hux threw back the blankets, kicking his legs until they untangled from the bedsheet. 

When his feet hit the floor, the dizziness picked up. Hux swallowed the nausea, rubbed his temples with the hand that wasn’t gripping to the bedpost for dear life. Rule number two: hydrate. An empty water bottle stuck out from under his pillow. Fantastic. 

“Just get to the bathroom,” Hux mumbled to himself, feeling some effect of the alcohol leftover in his system as he staggered towards the door. 

Turning back, he found himself staring at the empty bed. The sheets were a mess, and his fingers tapped against each other as he itched to make it up. Throwing his plan to the wind, he stormed to the bed decisively and tugged at the sheets.

The warmth from his side was a stark contrast to the cool touch of the other. Hux wondered just how long Ben had put up with him for, in his inebriated state. He wondered what it was that set him off and drew him away from their bed. The bed, he reminded himself, not theirs. 

“Goodnight Ben,” Hux had said, unabashed affection in his expression, “I’ll keep your side of the bed warm,”

He yanked the comforter up to the headboard, tucking it under the mattress as tight as he could in his given state. It was cold, his fingers reminded him, Ben’s side of the bed was cold. Hux had failed Ben, yet again, at a task that should have been simple. 

With a huff, Hux threw down the pillow so it landed against the mattress with a smack. His hands shook, his head was spinning, his mouth was dry, his body ached, his heart felt like it had been ripped from his chest. 

Of course Ben had left him, Hux thought to himself, he was foolish to believe that their arrangement had been anything other than a reminisce for the past. It only took a few days for Ben to realize that they weren’t in college anymore, for his emotions to level off and remember the pain that Hux had put him through.

Hux’s hands gripped the bedside table until his knuckles hurt, and his head hung in shame. The entire house knew of his feelings for Ben, according to Phasma. They had pitied him for years, and Hux never realized.

Hux coughed, the tightness of his throat reminding him that he needed something to drink. He shuffled from the room towards the bathroom at the end of the hall, his own thoughts racing too loudly to pay attention to anything except getting some water into his mouth.

Hux scrubbed at his teeth, desperately trying to rid himself of the cotton mouth left by alcohol. That was always the worst part of it for him. Nevermind the difficulty he had in walking straight, Hux could barely breathe when his mouth felt like this.

Vividly, he remembered a time when Ben had taken care of him after a particularly long night of drinking. Hux barely had time to open his eyes before Ben was handing him a water bottle. It was ice cold, the way Hux liked it, and he noticed a trash pail sitting in Ben’s lap in preparation.

“I don’t vomit,” Hux had griped, voice thick. 

“Tell that to the bushes outside, Doll,” Ben whispered, stifling laughter.

“You’re too loud,” Hux scolded him, covering his ears. Ben placed a few Advil in the palm of his hand, urging Hux to knock back the medication. 

“Sorry,” he mouthed, a wicked smile plastered against his face. Hux finished the water, and Ben fluffed the pillows around him so that he might be more comfortable. He settled into the warm nest, and though he wasn’t smiling by any means the grimace had disappeared from his face.

“For the record,” Hux hiccupped, eyes fluttering shut, “The bushes deserved it. They’re ugly and scratchy and we hate them,”

“Yes, love,” Ben murmured, fingers ghosting through his hair, “Get some more sleep. I’ll have breakfast ready when you wake up again,”

“Stay with me,” Hux had asked in a voice that sounded too vulnerable to be his own, “Just for a minute,” 

“Just for a minute,” Ben agrees, cool hands running against Hux’s forehead.

“In case I decide the bucket deserves it as well,” he explained, and Ben had laughed so loudly it made Hux’s head pound, though he didn’t tell him to stop.

In the present, Hux stared at himself in the mirror, alone. Beads of water dripped down from his face into the sink, his hair plastered against his forehead. He looked like a member of the undead from one of those horrific zombie shows Phasma loved.

After drying off his face, Hux finally found the courage to open the door. Rey stood outside, leaning against the wall casually. She looked surprised when she saw Hux, like he was the last person she expected in the room.

“You look beautiful,” she gasped, throwing a hand over her heart, “I didn’t know we were staying with an actual Disney princess this week,”

“Fuck off,” Hux grumbled, cursing his muddy brain for not coming up with something more hard hitting.

“I’m surprised you’re alive, let alone able to get out of bed at seven in the morning,” Rey admitted, seemingly impressed. 

“I’ve had worse mornings,” Hux shrugged, thumb rubbing his temple in some attempt to quell the pounding.

“Mysterious,” she crowed sarcastically, “Please do tell,”

“The morning I met you,” Hux snipped, eyes narrowed in her direction.

“Cute,” Rey rolled her eyes, “But we met at an afternoon orientation event. Nice try though, especially in your state,”

“It wasn’t so bad,” Hux bickered, and she shot him a look of something like sympathy.

“Of course not,” she nodded, voice dropping slightly, “I especially liked it when you proclaimed your never ending love for Ben from the top of the stairs for everyone to hear,”

Hux’s head snapped up, his eyes wide and a look of pure mortification flashing across his face. Had he done that? Hux retraced the steps of the night before, trying to place the event somewhere along a timeline. Rey met him with something amused and devious.

“Obviously kidding,” she taunted, something poisonous in her tone, “Though of course it would make sense for a buddy to remind his friend how much he cares about him,”

“Hilarious,” he spat out.

“Ugh, I can only imagine what it would be like to have a friendship like yours,” Rey sing-songed, the word friendship emphasized with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

“Rey,” Hux pinched the bridge of his nose, something pleading in his voice, “Come on,”

Rey clapped him on the shoulder, and Hux couldn’t find the energy to yank away. She only grinned, like she had won the battle, and sidled by him to slip into the bathroom. 

“Before I forget,” Rey hummed, “There’s something waiting for you downstairs,”

Hux was pushed forward by the closing of the door, and he staggered forward to regain his balance. What could be waiting for him? He racked his cloudy mind in an attempt to remember if he had asked anything from the office to be sent up to the lakehouse. 

It was unlikely, of course, as he had promised Poe to be present in their adventures and not attempting to work the entire time. Hux was reminded of the e-mails piling up in his inbox, and groaned into his hands. 

Whatever was waiting for him would be dealt with, and then he would address the office. Life would go on without him, and he needed to make sure that they would not find him replaceable during his time away. 

Hux walked off towards the stairs, caught up in his own head at the thought of everything he would need to get done when back in the city. His first day back had him in meetings from 8 in the morning through 6 in the evening, with a ten minute break midway for lunch. 

For Hux, this wasn’t even his most jam packed day. There had been worse throughout his career, and he felt this was an easy consequence for taking an entire week off of work. 

As his foot hit the bottom stair, Hux realized that he could hear music playing. It was something indie, so far off the radar that the band itself probably forgot the name of it. Nothing he recognized, but Hux had never been a massive fan of music. That was Ben’s forte. 

Ben. There he was, Hux realized as he poked his head around the doorway into the kitchen. He danced from one side of the kitchen to the other, all while whisking something in a glass bowl and checking a variety of pans on the stove. Hux’s heart skipped a beat.

“Ben, are you sure you don’t need-” Poe’s voice came from the corner of the room, and Hux found himself slinking back against the wall.

“I told you, go back to bed,” Ben interrupted him.

“I’m already awake, it’s really no big deal for me to help out. Just, just tell me what you want me to do,” Poe pressed, and Hux could hear Ben’s heavy sigh. 

“I want you to go to bed,” Ben reminded him, for what Hux assumed to be the hundredth time, “But if you really want to do something, go check and make sure Hux is alive,”

“Ben,” Poe sounded exasperated. 

“Really, it’s an important job,” Ben spoke seriously, and Hux rolled his eyes from where he stood, “You’ll know if he’s getting close to waking up because he’ll be scrunching his nose. If he’s not, then he’ll probably be asleep for another hour or so,”

Hux frowned, his fingers tapping his nose self consciously. He didn’t do that, no one had ever told him he did that. Moreover, how would Ben even know? Did he watch Hux when he was sleeping? 

“If I know Hux,” Poe laughed, interrupting his train of thought, “He’s been up for an hour answering e-mails and making business calls,”

Hux had half a mind to stroll out then, stretching his arms over his head and yawning dramatically like he had just come from his bedroom. Which, technically, he had. Before he could, Ben’s words stopped him.

“You don’t know Hux,” Ben murmured, voice so soft that Hux almost missed it. 

“What, and you do?” Poe sighed sympathetically, “Come on, Ben, it’s been-”

“Two years,” Ben returned stoically, “I know. You remind me often,”

“I’m just trying to look out for you,” Poe promised, genuine worry lacing his voice. Hux squeezed his eyes closed and ignored the guilt biting at his stomach.

“I know,” Ben hummed, “I know, Poe, thank you. Just go check on Hux for me, okay? And Phas, while you’re at it,”

In a flash, Hux realized that he was about to be caught. In his delirious state, of course he had been eavesdropping. It seemed like he was doing plenty of that lately, the idiot he was. 

He debated stepping out there and then, trying to play it off like he hadn’t been standing there for the last few minutes.

“What about Hux?” Finn’s voice cut through his thoughts, and Hux turned to see him staring at him expectantly from the bottom of the stairs.

Hux shrugged, not bothering to offer up an explanation. Finn just rolled his eyes, stepping forward to tug Hux into the room by his shoulders. He wavered slightly, leaning against him for some support. 

“Spying is bad,” he whispered, “Especially bad spying, god,”

Hux chuckled against Finn’s shoulder, thankful that he hadn’t been caught by someone else. He wondered then, how long Finn had been watching him from the stairs. Perhaps, he wasn’t the only eavesdropper in the house. 

“Hux,” Ben’s voice lilted in surprise at the sight of the man, like a child caught with their hand in the cookie jar. Hux ignored him, ignored the pleading look in his eyes, focused on snuggling against Finn to keep himself upright.

“Ben was afraid he had choked on your vomit in your sleep, or something,” Poe looked between them, “He was right to be worried about you though, Christ,”

Hux leaned forward to place a hand against the counter, using the other to wave off the words. He was fine, all he needed was some water. As if on cue, he heard a glass being placed in front of him. 

Hux opened his eyes to see Ben’s hand moving back from the glass, filled to the brim with ice. Just how he liked it. Hux mumbled a thanks as he greedily drank the water, trying to ward away the headache.

Before he could move to refill the cup, Ben plucked it from his hands to do it for him. Hux smiled at him, almost shyly, forgetting all at once of the heartbreak he felt in waking up alone that morning. The only thing that mattered now was Ben’s timid smile.

Poe, on the other hand, did not look as amused. Hux met his eyes, and noticed the suspicion behind them. Quickly, his gaze darted back to the drink and the smile fell from his face. Just like in college, he thought to himself. 

“Poe,” Finn’s voice broke the tense silence, “Would you mind helping me cut some wood? I thought it would be nice to have a bonfire later tonight,”

“That’s a great idea,” Ben exclaimed, and Hux wondered if the excitement in his voice was for the fire, or the thought of getting Poe out of his kitchen. Either way, he was pleased.

“But breakfast-” Poe started, looking at the uncooked items littering the counter.

“Is taken care of,” Ben finished, clapping his hands together. “You’re not the only cook in the house,”

“Yeah,” Finn grinned, “Hux can help him. He’s the best chef I’ve ever met,”

At that, Ben was doubled over laughing. Hux felt his head spinning at the barking noise, but he said nothing. He only sipped on his water and winked in Poe’s direction. 

Poe, admittedly hesitant, finally let himself be led from the kitchen by Finn. Hux watched appreciatively, and Finn offered him a wink before they disappeared through the door. 

“I didn’t think you would be awake so early, you were hammered last night,” Ben admitted, “But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,”

“I wasn’t that drunk,” Hux grumbled.

“Okay, Doll, sure,” Ben laughed.

Hux heard a mewl from below, saw Millicent circling his feet expectantly. Hux bent over to pick her up and place her happily in his lap, and she began to purr as his fingers traced her stripes. 

“You’re going to get fur in the food,” Ben warned casually, though he didn’t seem terribly upset at the thought. 

“Too bad,” Hux cooed at the cat, “Millicent needs her morning cuddles,” 

“So she takes after you,” Ben commented, and Hux scoffed indignantly. It only caused Ben to chuckle to himself while he poured the whipped eggs into a pan.

“I don’t need anything of the sort,” Hux demanded.

“You’re such a liar,” Ben laughed, “You’re the worst snuggler I’ve ever met. And you try to be secret about it, which makes the whole thing funnier,”

“I survived this morning fine,” Hux noted, something sharp in his tone. 

Ben’s laughter cut out, and he turned to face Hux. However, Hux refused to look at him. He only stroked Millicent and buried his nose into her fur. She loved him. If he had no one else, he had this ridiculous cat.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Ben admitted quietly.

“Okay,” Hux answered flatly. Ben looked like a kicked puppy, poking at the eggs with a spatula from across the kitchen. 

For the first time, Hux realized that he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Of course he wasn’t. Of course Ben was the type to cook half naked, after leaving Hux alone in bed with the worst hangover of his life. Of course.

“And I remembered how greasy food always helped your hangovers,” Ben continued, “So I figured I could just… I could finish it up before you woke up and have it ready to go. Like I used to, when we lived together,”

Hux felt his resolve crumbling, felt the anger slipping away. Ben could be making this up, he reasoned. He could have just wanted out from drunk, clingy Hux. That was the more likely option.

“I was just going you make you an egg sandwich and bring it back to our room, but then Poe came and…” Ben’s voice trailed off in Hux’s head, and he found himself unable to listen. The only thing that he could focus on was the word “our”. 

“Okay,” Hux nodded, looking up to meet Ben’s eyes. There was something different in the way he said it, something appreciative. 

Ben looked relieved, like he could detect the subtle shift in Hux’s mood. Of course he could. Placing a plate of eggs and toast in front of Hux, he smiled shyly. Hux poked at the food, eyes raking over the curve of Ben’s back as he turned to the stove to finish cooking.

“Thank you,” Hux spoke up finally, taking a bite of the toast. 

“Would’ve much rather spent the morning in bed with you, love,” Ben admitted, refusing to turn back from his spot across the room. 

Hux looked at the counter, noticing the few things left to be done before breakfast was finished. He stood up and set to work, buttering the toast that popped out of the toaster as it was the most he could do without ruining everything.

Ben looked at him quizzically, moving to take the knife from Hux’s hands. Hux swatted him, offering a dangerous look before he continued his work. Ben settled into his methodical cooking beside him, the two of them brushing against each other every now and then in the tight quarters.

It felt like everything he had been missing for the last two years. It felt like they were twenty, holed up in the best apartment they could afford, bickering over who was taking up more space as they tried to make a meal from old pasta and half rotten vegetables. It felt like home.

Ben’s arm darted past him to snag a stick of butter, and Hux poked him with the butter knife. Ben let out a fake howl, twirling around the kitchen as dramatically as the space would allow. Hux’s head tipped back with laughter, hand resting against the counter to keep himself upright.

Ben grabbed a dull knife of his own, raising it like a sword to wave in Hux’s face. Their utensils crashed against each other, Hux’s free hand settling behind his back in the perfected fencing form he had practiced for years.

Time and time again, he dodged Ben’s blows and tapped the other’s chest with his own knife instead. Though it had been years since he practiced, he remembered every move. The grin on his face almost ached with every tap, as Ben let out an irritated shout. 

“That’s it,” Ben bellowed, tossing his knife onto the counter and lurching forward.

Before Hux could react, his wrist was yanked forward and the knife pulled from his grip. Hux opened his mouth to protest, to remind Ben of the sword fighting rules he had tried to teach him again and again, but before he could he was being thrown over Ben’s shoulder.

“Now you’re in for it,” Ben admitted, stepping through the kitchen.

Hux squirmed against him in an attempt to get free, pounding against Ben’s back as he demanded to be put down. Ben ignored his yelling, and instead walked from the kitchen into the living room. 

“I’m going to bite your ass,” Hux threatened, punching him everywhere his arms could reach.

“Kinky,” Ben recited, jabbing Hux in the hip. 

“That hurts,” Hux whined, wriggling against him.

“Sorry, pumpkin,” Ben cooed.

Before Hux could continue trying to ensure his escape, he felt himself being flung down. It wasn’t the best combination with his hangover, but he didn’t have time to complain. Instead, he was left reeling on the couch with Ben less than a few inches from his face.

“Tell me that I’m the better swordsman,” Ben demanded.

“You’re awful,” Hux snickered, “Your stance is incorrect, your timing is all wrong, you have no method of defense-”

Hux suddenly felt fingers jabbing into his sides, moving against his hips. He sucked in a deep breath, lurching up off of the couch in an attempt to get away but finding himself pinned down. 

Ben continued to tickle him, fingers moving far too fast for any normal human, and Hux howled with laughter. His entire body shook from it, squirming around the couch as he tried to get away.

“Say it,” Ben yelled over the giggles, “Say that I’m the better swordsman,” 

“Never,” Hux gasped, the corners of his mouth aching from the giant smile plastered across his face, “You’re garbage,”

“Garbage that can kick your ass,” Ben pointed out, taking both of Hux’s wrists in one hand to pin above his head.

“No, Ben-” Hux pleaded, but before he could get the rest of the sentence out Ben had his free hand tickling his armpits.

“This could all be over,” Ben reminded him, “You just have to say-”

“You’re a monster,” Hux squealed, “Fine, fine, fine, okay! You win, you’re the better swordsman,” 

Ben’s fingers stopped their moving and Hux let his eyes close as he struggled to regain his breath. His body was tense, waiting for another attack. It took a moment until he realized that his arms were still pinned, and he opened his eyes confusedly. 

Ben was closer than ever, straddling Hux on the couch with his free hand resting gently on the other’s hip. Instead of tickling, he was now tracing shapes on the bare skin that had been exposed during Hux’s rustling.

Hux felt the air rush from his lungs, Ben’s fingers burning a heart onto his hip bone. After three nights of sleeping beside one another, he thought he might have gotten used to being within close proximity to Ben. He apparently had not. 

Ben’s eyes flickered from Hux’s to his lips. Until then, Hux had not realized that his lower lip was wedged between his teeth. Ben brought his hand up to gently trace over it, smiling when Hux’s jaw fell open slightly. 

The pad of his thumb traced along Hux’s swollen lip, and he felt the same cotton mouth that he had woken up with in that moment. Ben was so close, all that Hux had to do was lift his head up. 

Ben’s eyes were hooded, half closed. There was something dark about them, something that Hux mirrored. His own eyes slipped to Ben’s lips, slightly parted and as plump as always. 

Hux wanted to drag him down by the back of the neck, to kiss him until his head stopped spinning, but he had no control of his hands. 

It seemed, for a second, that Ben had a similar idea. Hux felt his heart pounding against his chest as Ben let himself drop until their noses brushed against each other. Hux let his eyes fall shut, his entire body electric and waiting on edge. 

“Ben,” the sound of Poe shouting shocked them both, Ben tumbling to the side and landing hard on the floor, “These eggs are almost burning - do you want me to take them off?”

Hux let out a shaky breath, the feeling in his wrists slowly going back to normal. He pushed himself up on the couch, peering into the kitchen to see a glimpse of Poe’s back by the stove. 

“Yeah,” Ben’s voice was strained slightly as he pushed himself up off of the floor. He didn’t look at Hux before he walked out of the living room and into the kitchen, “Thanks, Poe, I owe you one,”

Hux wondered if he would feel the same pain in his chest if Finn had been the one to call Ben away. 

-

Hux stretched his arms out, settling happily into the lawn chair that Rey had dragged out of some shed. She shot him a look from her place across the pit where she was setting the rest off, and flipped him off before she continued.

“I built the fire,” Hux reminded her.

“Yeah,” Finn scoffed, “And I rebuilt it because the Boy Scouts apparently taught you nothing,”

Hux narrowed his eyes as Rey laughed, taking his turn in flipping Finn off. It rolled off the man like nothing, and he happily munched on marshmallows in his chair. Rey yanked the bag out of his hands, rolling her eyes as she set them next to the roasting sticks.

“They’re all going to be gone before we can make s’mores,” she complained, throwing her hands into the air.

“Good,” Hux piped in, “No one likes s’mores,” 

Finn grinned at him, already amused at his and Rey’s bickering. Hux winked in his direction, crossing his arms across his chest and waiting for Rey to launch her attack back.

“Everyone likes s’mores,” she exclaimed, “You were just raised by fucking robots who apparently burned your taste buds off when you were an infant,” 

“Ouch,” Hux shook his head, “That was just sad, Rey, come on. Have you gotten soft in your old age?”

“We’re the same age, you fuck,” Rey rolled her eyes.

“Oh right,” Hux nodded, “I always forget, what with your wrinkles and everything. Those crows feet can be pretty nasty-”

Hux couldn’t finish before Rey was charging him, running around the fire pit to tackle him in the chair. He caught her with ease, she was small after all, and balanced the chair so that they didn’t tip back. 

Rey shook him by the collar of his shirt, yelling something in his face that he was laughing too hard to hear. Looking over her shoulder, he met Finn’s eyes. Then, he nodded towards the marshmallows, no longer with a protector. 

Finn delightedly took the hint, and snatched up the marshmallows before taking off in a mad dash down towards the lake. Hux watched him, pleased with his method of distraction, before slapping Rey’s hands away.

“You have grown weaker with age,” Hux noted. 

“Excuse me?” Rey scoffed, “Get up, come on, I’ll kick your ass-”

“Finn is gone,” Hux explained, and Rey turned suspiciously towards Finn’s empty chair.

“What- why is he,” Rey’s eyebrows scrunched together, confused as to why Finn had left, and even more so why Hux would have pointed it out.

“So are the marshmallows,” Hux finished, and a look of rage filled realization crossed her face.

Rey leapt up from her spot on the chair, turning to look around to see where Finn may have gone. Hux whistled for her attention, and pointed to the trail leading towards the lake. Rey immediately took off running, and he heard a startled scream of Finn’s within a few minutes. 

Hux settled in with a smile, lifting his bottle of water to his lips. Finn and Rey had left the cooler with beer directly next to him in an effort to bring drunk Hux back, but the memory of his previous hangover was enough of a deterrent. 

His eyes fluttered closed, and he rubbed the skin of his arms in an attempt to heat up. They would be lighting the fire soon enough, so he didn’t see the use in trekking all the way back upstairs to retrieve a sweatshirt. 

When he opened his eyes again, Poe was settling into a chair across from him. He looked at Hux curiously, and Hux kept his eyes glued to his drink. For a few minutes, the only sound was the far off screaming and laughter of Finn and Rey. 

“Are we not even able to pretend that we’re friends?” Poe spoke up finally, and Hux could have vomited at the pretentiousness of his tone.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Hux deadpanned.

“No?” Poe scoffed, “Come on, Hux,”

“What do you want me to say, Poe?” Hux looked up at him, dangerously close to angry. The last person he wanted to be stuck with was Poe. He only hoped that someone else was on the way to relieve him of this conversation.

“I don’t know, I just…” Poe sighed, “Listen, Hux. I’m not dense. I know that you’ve never particularly liked me,”

Hux rolled his eyes, hands rubbing faster over his arms to ward away any goosebumps. Poe rolled up the sleeves of his sweatshirt, and Hux wondered how someone could be so smug. 

“Leave it to you to place all of the blame on me,” Hux sneered, “Like you weren’t a complete dick to me from the second we met,”

Poe looked almost pleased by his lashing out, and Hux wished that he had stayed silent. That would have set Poe over the edge, angered him. It was what Hux wanted to do the majority of the time. It could be exhausting. 

“I’m sorry if you felt like I was a dick-” Poe started, and Hux snorted.

“There it is,” he laughed, “What kind of fucking apology is that supposed to be?”

“What do you mean, Hux?” Poe sighed.

“This is exactly what I’m fucking talking about,” Hux sat up, feeling his anger seethe, “You patronize me. You act like I’m the one that overreacts to every little thing, like you’re a saint and I’m just trying to find random things to be pissed about,”

“Aren’t you?” Poe narrowed his eyes, “Don’t you find any excuse to hate me?”

Hux settled back into his chair, thinking the question over. If he was being honest, there were some things that irked him solely because it was Poe doing it. 

“Okay, fine,” Hux nodded, “Some of the things that annoy me about you, shouldn’t annoy me. But you can’t say you’re not the same way,”

“No,” Poe mused, “I guess I can’t,” 

“So there,” Hux huffed, “You’re just as guilty as I am,”

Poe sat quietly for a moment, mulling the words over in his head. Hux stared at the wood in front of him, wishing silently for someone to finally light it. 

“Hey guys,” Ben’s voice shocked him out of his trance, and he forced a smile as his hands ran over his skin again.

Ben looked at him, concern etched across his face. When he realized that Hux was shivering, he laughed and pulled the sweatshirt off his back and over his head. 

“Ben, no, it’s fine-” Hux argued, but the clothing was placed delicately in his lap. 

“It’s fine, I have to run up to the house again anyways,” Ben promised him, “Besides, Doll, I love seeing you in my clothes,”

Hux willed away the blush that spread across his cheeks, and quickly shoved his head into the sweatshirt to hide it. When his head popped out, he noticed Ben beaming down at him with a satisfied look on his face.

“Looking good,” he noted, reaching down to ruffle Hux’s hair.

“Stop that,” Hux demanded, despite his giggling.

“But, baby, you look cute with your hair messy,” Ben pouted.

“Think about how cute you’ll look with a black eye,” Hux warned, shaking his fist to prove a point, though there was no real threat behind it. 

“Still cute?” Ben asked, bottom lip jutting out in a little pout. Hux’s heart melted.

“Still cute, sweetheart,” he promised softly, hand reaching up to trace over the back of Ben’s hand where it sat cupping his face. 

For a moment, it was just the two of them. Nothing else mattered. Hux was warm and snug in Ben’s sweater, with his fingers tapping against his cheek. Ben was looking at him like he never wanted to look away. 

“Solo!” Phasma’s voice called out from the porch, “Get your ass back up here and help me!” 

Ben turned to face her, shooting her a thumbs up with his free hand. He pinched Hux’s cheek before he jogged off, winking in his direction.

“Duty calls, pumpkin!” Ben yelled over his shoulder, and Hux laughed unabashedly as he settled back into his chair.

After a moment, he realized the pair of eyes still on him from across the pit. Poe looked at him as if he had a revelation, and Hux squirmed uncomfortably in his skin. He didn’t like the attention he was receiving, especially from a man he could barely stand. 

“It was never like that with the two of us,” Poe told him, “You know that, right?”

“Obviously I know that,” Hux hummed, “You and I could barely get through a conversation, let alone-”

“No,” Poe shook his head, “Ben and I. It was never like that,” 

Hux felt his face burning. Only Poe would be so blunt in a place that Ben was likely to hear. Only Poe would make him feel like an idiot with just a few words and a look. Only Poe would lie right to his face. 

“Like what?” Hux inquired, having a feeling that he already knew the answer. 

“Hux, we were just friends,” Poe sighed. “Never anything more,”

“Ben and I are just friends,” Hux pointed out. 

“Hux,” Poe shook his head once more, “You still don’t get it,” 

“Don’t get what?” Hux demanded, and his world felt like it was slipping from him.

Suddenly, everyone had decided that they knew the way he felt better than he did. Everyone somehow could see right through Hux, right through the careful walls he spent so long building up. He hated it. 

“You two have something… something that I have never and will never have with him,” Poe admitted softly, “You two just, you’re connected. Even after all this time,”

Hux listened carefully, hearing the way that Poe’s voice shook as he spoke. It wasn’t something he had ever considered, but it seemed like Poe was jealous of him. 

“After everything, after two years, you just fall back into the same friendship that I spent four years envying,” Poe confessed.

“I didn’t know you felt that way,” Hux whispered, and Poe laughed.

“I was pretty shit at hiding it,” he pointed out, “I’ve known Ben since I was a kid. We were so close, and then you came along and it was like he forgot all about me. I thought I was being replaced,” 

Hux shook his head indignantly, tugging the sleeves of the sweatshirt over his knuckles. Poe looked terrified, like Hux might turn around and hurt him with the confession. 

“I never really had anyone,” Hux said slowly, “And then I had Ben. And I was so terrified that he was going to get sick of me, especially because he still had you,” 

Poe nodded, a look of understanding on his face. The two sat in silence for a moment, reviewing the conversation in their heads. Hux couldn’t believe it, but for once he had no anger left for Poe. 

They had both done things to hurt each other, they had both spent years taking out their fear on each other. If they had just sat down and talked it out years before, Hux wondered how close they would be now.

“Can I ask you something,” Hux drummed his fingers along the arm of the chair.

Poe just nodded, looking curious as to what Hux might have to say. There was something jittery to his demeanor, something that he very rarely let anyone else see. And yet, here was his sworn enemy watching him at his most vulnerable. 

“Why did you invite me up here?” Hux asked, “Because you- you know how things ended between Ben and I. You knew we hadn’t spoken in two years, and you hated me, so why?”

Poe was silent for a moment, mulling the response over in his head. Hux watched him with thinning patience, almost afraid to hear the answer. He wondered if Poe invited him just to remind Ben how horrible of a person he was, if he thought that there would be no reconciliation between them.

“He was out of it when he first woke up in the hospital,” Poe explained quietly, “Didn’t know where he was, or what had happened. He was hopped up on some painkillers as well,”

Hux blinked, picturing Ben lying in a hospital bed, scared and alone. He should have been there. No, Hux thought, it never should have happened. He should have been there to make sure it never happened.

“And through all that haze, when he couldn’t even answer the nurse asking him for his own name, he kept begging for you,” Poe sniffled, “Begging for you the same way he has been for the last two years every time he has a little too much to drink, or hasn’t completely woken up, or finds some old picture of the two of you together,” 

Hux stared at Poe, waiting for the breaking of laughter, for the entire thing to be a joke. But the only thing he saw in the other man’s eyes was sincerity. For once, there was no hidden motive behind Poe’s words to hurt him. And yet, they did. 

“I don’t want to fight with you anymore,” he blurted out suddenly. 

“No?” Poe asked, hope in his voice, “That’s good, because neither do I,” 

Hux nodded, unsure of where to go from there. Poe seemed to have the answer, as he pushed himself up from the chair and crossed around to where Hux sat.

“Oh,” Hux shook his head, “No you don’t have to-”

Poe wrapped his arms around Hux, pulling him into a bone crushing hug. Hux felt the wind leave his lungs, and he awkwardly hugged the other man back and secured it with a small pat on his back.

“What the fuck,” Rey yelled out, walking up from the lake.

Hux pushed Poe, but he remained stationed with his arms latched around him. No matter how much he wiggled, he couldn’t manage to free himself. 

“What the hell did we miss,” Finn laughed, hand still in the bag of marshmallows as he plopped down into the chair.

“Poe, please,” Hux grumbled.

Poe, in turn, took a seat on Hux’s lap. He turned to face everyone with a smile, resting his head sweetly on Hux’s shoulder. Finn and Rey looked amused from their chairs, sharing the few remaining marshmallows as if they were watching a movie.

“Hux and I are best friends now,” Poe smiled sweetly. 

“Oh,” Hux shook his head, “That’s a bit of a stretch-”

Poe simply cuddled up to him further, and Hux frowned when he noticed Rey snapping pictures on her phone. She was snickering into a can of beer, capturing as many angles as possible from her seat.

“Great,” Hux griped, “Thanks, Rey, what are you gonna do? Upload this to Instagram?”

“Perfect idea,” she exclaimed, tapping away at the phone.

“You have to make sure it has like, a really cute caption,” Finn reminded her, “Song lyrics would do,”

“I hate you all,” Hux reminded them, and they waved his words off.

“Is that Poe on Hux’s lap?” Phasma yelled from the porch, and Hux covered his face with his hands.

“We’re in love!” Poe called back, and he could hear Ben’s barking laughter as they made their way down the stairs.

Hux, despite being less than pleased about the situation, was more than happy to steal away Poe’s heat. He hadn’t realized just how cold he was until Poe settled against him, and Hux figured he’d might as well make the best of the situation.

“Someone is getting snuggly,” Poe commented.

“It’s not about you,” Hux pointed out, “Strictly selfish reasons,” 

The chair beside them creaked as Ben sat down, looking over at Poe and Hux in pure confusion. He had been there not fifteen minutes before, and the mood was completely different. Yet, here was Poe sitting happily in Hux’s lap like they had been best friends for all this time.

“Hux,” Ben commented, “What a serial cuddler you’ve turned into,”

“I’m no such thing,” Hux scoffed.

“It’s true,” Finn yelled, “He cuddled up to me this morning! You saw it, Ben, right?”

“I did,” Ben agreed solemnly. 

“Fuck off,” Hux huffed, sipping more of his water.

“I didn’t get a turn,” Rey pouted sadly.

She shared some sort of look with Poe, and before Hux could throw the man off Rey was bounding around the pit to throw herself into Poe’s arms. Somehow, all three of them piled on top of each other in the little foldable chair.

“It’s going to break,” Hux yelled, “We don’t have an extra-” 

Just as Rey went to wave off the words, the chair collapsed beneath them. Hux went tumbling into the grass, with Poe landing on top of him and Rey landing on top of Poe. He let out a low moan, not entirely excited about the bruises that would most likely form by morning.

“Oops,” Poe laughed breathlessly, rolling off of Hux.

Hux shot him as dirty of a look as he could muster up, but in reality he was holding back a bout of laughter. Rey pulled herself up and made a mad dash for her seat before Hux could get it, followed soon by Poe.

Hux sat with a little pout in the grass, rubbing his arm where Poe had elbowed him. He looked like Millicent when he arrived home late from work to feed her. Hux opened his mouth to complain, but was cut off by his own laughter.

“Now I have nowhere to sit,” he whined.

“Ben’s chair looks to have plenty of room,” Phasma piped up, knelt next to the fire as she attempted to light it.

Hux shot her a pained look, and was met with knowing smirks from Finn and Rey. Even Poe looked amused, something Hux wasn’t used to seeing. He had half a mind to yell at all of them and demand a chair from Rey or Poe, who broke his in the first place.

However, Ben was already pulling him up gently by the arms, and then back to sit in his lap. Phasma kept her eyes on the wood, but there was a knowing look in her eyes. Hux blamed his blush on the cold weather.

“There’s more than enough room for you, darling,” Ben assured him softly, tucking his chin onto Hux’s shoulder, “And this way I can keep you warm,” 

“I’m plenty warm,” Hux argued.

“I can feel you shaking, cupcake,” Ben pointed out, breath hot on Hux’s ear. 

“Cupcake,” Hux repeated, wrinkling his nose.

“Don’t like it?” Ben asked, “I think it’s cute. You’re little, and sweet like one,” 

“For the last time,” Hux rolled his eyes, “I’m not little,”

“Are we talking about how Hux is little?” Phasma asked, tossing a match into the fire and grinning as it took off roaring. 

“So little,” Rey cooed, smirking at Hux while she took a heavy sip of her beer. 

“Yeah. Tiny little baby,” Finn laughed, pinching his pointer finger and thumb together. 

Hux flipped them off, but before he could leap up and attack Ben was wrapping his arms tightly around his waist. Hux didn’t settle against him, just kept sending dirty looks in every direction he could manage. 

“So little he could barely handle three drinks without puking off the porch,” Poe sighed.

“I did not!” Hux exclaimed, “I didn’t even do that!” 

“Maybe you don’t remember,” Finn pointed out, “Cause you were so fucked up from three margaritas,” 

“They had a lot of tequila,” Hux defended himself, “Twice the normal amount - so it was really like six margaritas,”

Ben stifled his laughter into Hux’s shoulder, but he felt the man shaking beneath him. It almost quelled his anger really, to have Ben smiling around him. Nonetheless, he would fight anyone that tried to tease him. 

“Why am I the one everyone gangs up on,” Hux huffed.

“Usually it’s me,” Ben reminded him with a whisper in his ear, “But I think everyone is a little hesitant to do that this week,”

“I’ll still kick your ass,” Hux pointed out.

“I know,” Ben hummed, “That’s why I’m so happy you’re here,” 

Hux smiled, a secret pride thrumming within him. Ben was happy he was there, it never stopped making him feel like he was on fire. He couldn’t imagine living again in a world where Ben wasn’t there to make his heart burst.

It wasn’t a world that Hux wanted to live in anymore. Sensibility be damned, if he could spend the rest of his life curled up in Ben’s lap watching a flickering fire, he would do it. 

“Say Poe,” Ben sing-songed, “Do you have anymore of that weed?”

Poe sputtered, having just opened his first alcoholic drink of the week and still looking fairly nervous about it. He drummed his fingers along his chair, trying to come up with an answer that wouldn’t send the night spinning.

“He does,” Finn nodded, “A ton, actually,”

“Finn,” Poe griped, and Finn just shrugged with a sweet look on his face. The anger melted from Poe’s expression in a heartbeat, and he just sighed as he pushed himself up to jog back to the house.

Ben cheered, and soon Rey joined in. Meanwhile, Phasma shotgunned her first beer from her spot around the fire. Finn looked across at Hux, and shared some sort of secret look that Hux couldn’t quite decipher. 

When Poe returned, Rey and Ben broke out into some sort of chant. Poe just flipped them off as he plopped into his chair, flicking his lighter on and placing the joint between his lips. 

“I haven’t smoked weed since college,” Hux admitted when Phasma danced her way over with the joint. 

Ben took it between his thumb and pointer finger, taking a much deeper drag than Hux had expected. He held the smoke in his lungs for far longer than Hux had ever been capable of, and then let it billow out of his lips.

Hux watched, entranced. It wasn’t something that he had a particularly hearty experience with. Usually when there was weed around, he couldn’t stand the smoke. But watching it fall from Ben’s pursed lips had his heart thudding.

“Hux,” Ben’s lips moved again, and he blinked, “Do you want a hit?”

“Yeah,” Hux shrugged, reaching out for a drag.

Of course, he ended up doubled over coughing. Ben just laughed as he took another hit, passing the joint in Poe’s direction. It never took much to get Hux high, but by the time they had started passing around the second joint he was a goner.

Hux sat with his eyes closed, watching a vivid game of Tetris play on the inside of his eyelids. Ben’s fingers traced up and down his back, soothing him further than what the weed had already accomplished.

“I should smoke weed every day,” Hux yawned, “This is the most relaxed I’ve felt in years,” 

“Hux, you would get nothing done,” Poe laughed, “You can’t even sit up straight, let alone function,”

“I can do lots of stuff,” Hux bickered, wrapping his lips around the joint that Ben placed between them.

“You can’t even take a hit by yourself,” Phasma pointed out, “Ben is holding it for you,” 

“Okay but here’s a thing,” Hux held up a finger, “I could do it if I wanted to,” 

“That’s right, baby,” Ben sang, “You can do anything. Don’t let them tease you,” 

Hux beamed happily, eyes opening just enough to take a good look at Ben. He looked calmer than he had for the majority of the week, and was staring up at the stars. Hux followed his gaze, and watched the ashes from the fire twirl up around them.

“Pretty,” Hux murmured.

“Yeah,” Ben hummed, “You are,” 

Hux blinked slowly, trying to take in as much of the sky as he could. He connected the constellations in his head, the ones that Ben had taught him from his Astronomy class. They had spent hours in the courtyard of their dorm building, laid on the grass trying to decipher the night sky. 

Hux didn’t realize it at first, but he had entwined his fingers with Ben’s. When he looked back down, those deep eyes were staring at him sweetly. He smiled, squeezed their hands tightly together, and watched the joy spread across Ben’s face.

“I missed your eyes,” Hux admitted, free hand reaching up to spread across Ben’s cheek.

“I missed your touch,” Ben fired back immediately. 

“You’re so warm,” Hux whispered, amazed, “You’re the only thing that has ever been able to warm me up,”

“The only thing,” Ben repeated, laughing at the ridiculousness of it.

Hux grabbed his face with both hands, and Ben made a tiny noise at the loss for a moment. 

“I’ll hold your hand in one second,” he promised.

“This is okay too,” Ben admitted, breathlessly. 

Hux let his fingers wander across the skin of Ben’s cheek, feeling the rising flush under his palms. They moved into the other’s hair, tangling in the dark knots and pulling his head back and forth. Ben complied with ease, and Hux laughed as he bobbed the other’s head along. 

“Did you miss me?” Hux whispered.

“More than anything,” Ben murmured earnestly. 

“Did you think about me?” Hux pressed on.

“Every day,” Ben breathed, and Hux’s heart ached at the shameless honesty.

His fingers continued to play in Ben’s hair, twisting and turning the strands that rested against his touch. Hux’s chest ached with everything he wanted to tell Ben. But he couldn’t open his mouth to get the words out.

Turning back to the fire, he noticed the half asleep bodies littering lawn chairs. Only Poe sat fully upright, with Finn’s head resting against his shoulder. He smiled in Hux’s direction, something soft and secret. 

“I feel like there’s going to be a second wind coming any minute,” Poe spoke up, just loud enough for Hux and Ben to hear, “Would you guys mind grabbing the extra bag of marshmallows that these idiots left down by the lake?”

“You’re the idiot,” Finn mumbled, though he curled closer to Poe. There was something in the way that Poe looked at him that made Hux feel as though he was intruding. 

“If Hux can walk,” Ben shifted slightly.

“I can do anything, remember?” Hux scoffed, standing up.

Ben reached out to catch him when Hux teetered back and forth, looking like he was about to tip at a strong wind. He rose beside him, immediately tangling their fingers together as he led Hux down the path towards the lake.

They stumbled against each other, laughing as they tripped over blades of grass and pebbles. Ben held the two of them upright, and Hux found himself twirling around just so he could feel those sturdy arms around his waist. 

By the time they reached the lake, they had forgotten all about their duty to find the marshmallows. Instead, they were too busy threatening to push each other into the water. Hux screamed with laughter when Ben picked him up, dangling him over the edge of the shoreline.

“I can’t swim,” Hux yelled.

“That’s a lie, Hux,” Ben cackled, “And it’s about three inches of water,”

“I’m only two inches tall,” Hux whined, “I’m little remember?” 

Ben set him down, and Hux squealed as he ran from the little lapping waves. When he turned back, Ben was already stripping out of his shoes and socks. His jeans were rolled up to his calves, and Hux looked at him curiously.

Nonetheless, he followed suit. Hux tucked his socks away carefully into his sneakers, leaving them next to Ben’s messy pile. When he rose again, Ben’s hand was already taking his and leading him into the water.

“It’s so cold,” Hux yelped, moving backwards.

Ben caught him by the arm, giving him a look that washed away every reservation that Hux felt. He stepped forward, feeling the gentle water roll against his ankles. Hux stared up at the starry sky and lost track of where he ended and it began.

Ben’s hand slid to his waist like a question. Hux turned to face him curiously, feeling the familiar tracing along his hip. Ben’s eyes shone like the stars, and Hux wondered how he lasted a day of his life without them in it. 

“Dance with me,” Ben asked quietly, and Hux felt his body shake as he laughed.

“I can’t dance,” Hux shook his head, “You know that,” 

Hux remembered the nights that Ben would lead him around their apartment, head thrown back laughing every time Hux tripped over his own feet. No matter how many times he tried to teach him, he could never get it down. 

“I love how you dance,” Ben promised, and Hux’s head dropped bashfully. 

Ben’s fingers slid beneath his chin, gently lifting it so that their eyes met once again. Hux could feel the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders every time Ben looked at him that way. It took his breath away.

“I love how you dance,” he repeated, lifting Hux’s hand to place on his own shoulder.

Their other hands remained clasped, like they were each holding on for dear life. Ben stepped forward, and Hux stumbled backwards in the water. It felt like ice against his leg, a stark contrast from the fire within his chest. 

Ben caught him immediately, their bodies pressed against each other. Once again, he took a step forward. This time, Hux remembered to move in time. He smiled when he remained upright, and Ben let out a little cheer. 

They moved through the shallow water, not bothering to whine about the droplets that sprang up onto their jeans. Instead, they focused on each other. Ben hummed out a tune quietly, his low voice filling the silent night.

Hux hummed along, though he didn’t know the melody Ben was performing. Half of the notes were replaced by their giggling, or silly insults that had no ferocity to them.   
Their movement slowed until they stood swaying slowly back and forth. The water still nipped at their ankles, but their numbed skin could barely feel the cold. Hux’s eyes drifted from the stars to the water, and when he looked back to Ben he saw that his gaze had not averted. 

With every passing moment they grew closer, until Hux’s arms wrapped around Ben’s shoulders to bring them as near as possible. Ben’s hands settled on Hux’s waist, slipping under the sweatshirt to leave warm prints against cool skin.

“When you look at me like that I can’t breathe,” Hux whispered.

“How fitting,” Ben returned, “I can’t breathe when I look at you,” 

Hux’s skin flushed, and he turned his head to look away. Once again, Ben’s fingers guided his gaze back to meet his own. Hux felt the words reeling in his head, the confessions of a lifetime of love that he felt for the man holding him. 

Ben let himself fall forward, their foreheads resting against one another. Hux moved his hands from the back of the other’s neck to hold the sides of his face. The pad of his thumb slid along Ben’s cheekbone, feeling the warmth bloom beneath it. 

And any second, he knew, someone would be bounding down the hill to interrupt their time together. Every moment they had like this, there was always someone to break them apart. But no one came. 

No one came and Hux let himself be pulled impossibly closer by the man he spent a third of his life pining over. He breathed him in, held onto the air that they shared between them. 

Ben’s lips ghosted over his, something timid in the kiss. Hux let his fingers wrap in Ben’s hair, connecting their lips as they swayed back and forth in the water. His eyes slipped closed, and Ben tightened the grip he had on Hux’s waist. 

It was gentler than any kiss he had shared, but it left Hux’s heart pounding in his chest. He could barely breathe as he pushed himself closer, trying to wrap himself up in Ben. Hux stumbled back, feeling those arms hold him upright.

The fabric of his sweatshirt was rifled up slightly, exposing the bare skin of his hip. Hux breathed in sharply, moving to kiss Ben again when he felt something unfamiliar against his skin. 

All at once, Hux pulled himself back and stared at Ben with wide eyes. Ben returned his look, confused at the sudden loss of contact. Hux’s hand moved down to hold onto the other’s wrist, fingers tracing over the gauze that lined it. 

“We can’t,” Hux whispered.

“Hux,” Ben pleaded, his voice soft and confused. Hux felt his heart shatter.

“This is a bad idea,” Hux continued, taking a step back.

Ben’s arms remained attached to his waist, and Hux peeled them off of him. He stumbled slightly, and when the other reached out to catch him he shoved the hands away. 

“Please,” Ben exclaimed, voice broken, “What did I do wrong,”

Hux didn’t look at him, just kept his eyes glued to the stars above. His memory of the constellations was falling apart around him, the stars sticking out of the sky without reason. They had nothing to belong to. 

Hux stepped away, moving quickly out of the water without another word. Ben let out a strangled cry, and it ripped through Hux’s body so roughly that he felt weak at the knees. He grabbed his shoes, shoving his feet into them without the socks.

Footsteps came from the water, and Hux moved quickly down the path. Every step left him feeling like he might collapse. Hux felt his eyes welling with tears that had no place in his life. He pretended that he did not hear his name in Ben’s sobs. 

By the time Hux made it to the fire pit, he had wiped away every trace of emotion that might be visible. Poe sat staring into the fire, his lips tracing along the top of Finn’s head. Had he been a smarter man, Hux might have realized the depth of their relationship sooner. It was a kick to the bullet wound in his chest.

“Hux,” Poe jolted when he saw him, pure shock in his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Hux apologized, voice wavering like he may break down in tears again if he said anything else, “You shouldn’t have invited me,” 

Poe opened his mouth to ask a million questions, but Hux turned his back and kept moving. He ignored the sound of his name being called, and pulled his aching body up the never ending stairs until he was finally in the house. 

Hux closed the door to his room, back pressed against the wood. All at once he felt himself collapse, his knees giving out beneath him and his body sliding down the wall until he hit the floor.

“This is f-fine,” Hux promised himself, tugging his knees to his chest, “Everything is g-good, and,” 

Hux’s voice gave out, replaced with a wrecked sob. He rested his forehead against his knees, arms wrapped around his legs as tight as they could be. His jeans barely muffled the sound of his cries, and he buried his face in a nearby pillow to stifle the sounds.

Millicent brushed against him, mewling in a tone that Hux could have mistaken for concerned. For once, he did not reach out to hold her. Unlike every other breakdown he had in his apartment when the aching feeling of loneliness overtook him, this time he did not curl up beside Millicent. 

Is that why you left me? Hux remembered the words. He remembered the pain in Ben’s eyes. He remembered the way he reached out for Hux, the way Hux swatted him away. He remembered how soft Ben’s lips felt against his own.

Is that why you left me? 

How could he stay? 

“This is fine,” Hux repeated into the pillow, in some attempt to steady his voice, “Everything is good and I’m, I’m okay. I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay,”

Hux pulled himself from the floor, ignored the incessant knocking on his door, and dragged himself into the bed. It was cold without Ben there. It was empty without him as well. Hux traced the pillow where his head should have been.

“I left because I love you,” Hux explained, pretending the man was there to listen, “How are you supposed to get better with me dragging you down?”

Hux wondered how much of it was real. He wondered how much of it stemmed from Ben just feeling lonely. For a moment, he considered a world where Ben had always loved him in the same way. 

But this week was not about falling in love. Especially Ben, who was bouncing from mood to mood in the blink of an eye thanks to a traumatic event mixed with new medication. Who was Hux to waltz in and make everything worse?

Somewhere along the way, the exhaustion took over and Hux drifted off to sleep. He dreamt of a world where he hadn’t spent years hiding his feelings, where he told Ben he was in love with him the second he realized it. 

It didn’t last long, and then Hux was jolted awake by the feeling of falling. He sat up in bed, staring at the darkness surrounding him. It hadn’t been more than two and a half hours since he locked himself in the room. 

When he looked outside, he noticed that everyone was still gathered around the fire. Everyone but Ben. The clock read a quarter to five. Hux felt worse from crying all night than he did from the previous morning’s hangover. 

Carefully, he maneuvered his way down the stairs. All that he needed was a glass of water, and he would be fine. Hux hated the pounding in his head, hated the ache in his body and the hollow feeling in his heart. 

Ben stood, leaning against the doorway, when Hux turned around. His eyes pulled away the second they met the other’s, feeling his heart jump into his throat from something as simple as Ben’s presence.

“It’s late,” Hux noted, hoping his poor excuse may work in avoiding confrontation.

“Is it so easy for you to sleep without me?” Ben’s voice came suddenly, and Hux’s eyes hesitantly rose. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he lied.

Ben looked at him like he had punched him square in the face. Hux noticed the heavy bags beneath his eyes, the tracks of tears that still dampened his cheeks. Against every instinct in his body, he did not reach out to wipe them away. 

“I cannot even close my eyes without you beside me,” Ben murmured, unable to hide the despair of his voice.

The weight of the confession weighed heavily on Hux’s shoulders. He remembered the weeks and months when he first lived on his own, the sleepless nights that he could barely get through. The empty side of the bed. The lack of Ben’s body beside him. 

“Why did you leave me?” Ben begged, the words sending a dagger through Hux’s heart.

“Ben,” Hux shook his head, “Drop it-”

“Why, Hux?” Ben pressed, “Just tell me why you left me and I’ll-”

“You left me,” Hux shouted, his voice breaking around the words, “Every time you-you left me,”

Ben stared back at him in confusion, trying to process the outburst. Hux gripped the counter, letting all of his weight fall back against it. The words were sour against his tongue, and he felt breathless from speaking in anything over a whisper. 

“I got there early, I listened to you explain art that I didn’t understand for hours, I flew across the country to see you and… and all Poe had to do was walk through the door two and a half hours late for you to go running,” Hux said weakly.

Ben furrowed his eyebrows, looking as if he was recounting the night. Hux sipped on his water, pleading silently for his throat to lose the heavy lump. 

“Time and time again,” Hux whispered, “I watched you light up when he walked into a room and lose all interest in me. It broke my fucking heart,” 

Ben remained silent, mulling over the words in his head. Hux’s hands shook so violently that the water splashed against his fingers, and he stared at the beads that trickled down onto his wrist. 

“Hux,” Ben shook his head, “Poe? No it was… it was you, Doll. It was always you,” 

Hux looked up, trying to find the meaning behind the words. Ben looked at him like he had just told a joke, though the sadness behind his eyes remained. 

“Me?” Hux asked slowly.

“You,” Ben nodded, “Hux, I’m in love with you,” 

And just like that, Hux remembered what it felt like when he was twelve years old and the bigger kids from down the street punched him hard in the gut. All of the air flew from his lungs, his head spun, his eyes pricked with tears. 

Hux felt his resolve crumble around him, and the tears flowed freely down his cheeks. Ben took a timid step forward, fear etched into his expression. It was obvious that he had no idea what to do, torn between gathering Hux up in his arms and walking away altogether. 

“Come here,” Hux pleaded, arms opened wide.

Without hesitation, Ben surged forward to pull Hux into his arms. They stood in the kitchen, clinging to each other like the morning may rip them apart. 

“Tell me what to do, sweetheart,” Ben pleaded. 

“Bring me to bed,” Hux asked gently. 

Ben simply nodded, bending forward slightly to hook his arms under the bend of Hux’s knees. He scooped him up into his embrace, carrying him bridal style through the kitchen. Hux wrapped his arms tightly around Ben’s neck, burying his face in the crook of his shoulder. 

They moved through the house quietly, with the light of dawn trailing slowly behind them. The door to the last room on the right side of the hallway was opened, and Hux was placed as gently as possible onto the messy bed. 

Ben pulled each individual blanket up to cover Hux until he was tucked into the bed. Soft fingertips traced along his cheek, and Hux leaned into the touch. When they disappeared, his eyes flitted open to see Ben moving across the room.

Hux caught his wrist, holding on as tightly as possible. Ben turned to him with something hopeful in his gaze, and Hux’s heart fluttered when he saw a trace of a smile.

Without a word, Ben pulled back the blankets and slipped into the bed next to Hux. Their bodies curled around each other timidly, like neither was sure whether or not they were allowed to hold each other. 

Hux’s hand found its way to loop through Ben’s hair, and his body slowly relaxed against him. His lips gently kissed away the remaining tears staining his face, and Ben’s gentle laugh was muffled against him. 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow ! I am so sorry this took so long (there's about 1,000 words more than usual as an apology present) - but I saw a few tweets about the fic today while searching indirects, and it really inspired me to keep going with it. so thank you all for your positive feedback! I believe there will be another chapter to tie everything together, and I'm really hoping to get that out within the next week or so. as always, I love comments/tweets/posts on tumblr about your thoughts!
> 
> also - I am toying with the idea of a short prequel, mainly focusing on college Ben/Hux or the night at the art gallery when Hux sort of lost his mind. let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

Hux drew in a deep breath, arms crossed in front of him as he leaned forward on the porch railing. The sun had seemingly given up its attempt to break through the overcast sky, and his eyes scanned the gray horizon.

Somehow, Ben was asleep. Somehow, he was able to drift away with ease after professing his love to Hux and receiving nothing in return. Hux could barely breathe, let alone get his mind to stop whirling. 

The cigarette in his hand shook, the smoke burning his lungs a steady reminder that he was alive, that everything he had experienced was real. It was the only thing tethering him to a reality he never expected to happen. 

“If you’re looking for a way to kill yourself, Doll,” a gruff voice shook him from his trance, “I can think of a few quicker methods,”

From the corner of his eye, he could see Ben leaning against the frame of the back door. Hux kept his eyes down, glued to the red embers sparkling at the end of his smoke. Without turning to face Ben, Hux took another drag. 

“And miss the slow burning torture? I think not,” he answered finally, a tremor in his voice.

“Masochist,” Ben murmured, though it sounded fond, “On second thought, I suppose I wouldn’t be the go-to candidate for successful suicide advice,”

Hux laughed breathlessly, shaking his head at Ben’s dark humor. Only he would joke about a suicide attempt just days after it happened. Moreover, only Hux would find amusement within it. 

Ben’s heavy footsteps crossed the porch until he landed beside Hux. Wordlessly, he looped an arm around the other man’s shoulder and followed his gaze towards the forest. Hux closed his eyes when he felt Ben’s cheek rest against his shoulder.

“You’re too tall for that,” Hux reminded him.

“I don’t mind,” Ben shrugged, knocking against Hux so that he swayed in his spot.

For the first time since he emerged, Hux let himself sneak a look at Ben. He looked exhausted, with his tousled hair and dark circles under his eyes. Hux wanted to tuck him back into bed and let him sleep for a week.

However, he didn’t mimic Hux’s obvious anxiety. Instead, he looked more at peace than Hux had seen him all week. There was a faint smile permanently etched onto his face, and when his eyes met Hux’s they practically glowed.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Hux ventured.

“You know that I can’t without you there, pumpkin,” Ben admitted shamelessly, bringing a hand up to cup Hux’s cheek.

“Sappy,” Hux scrunched up his nose.

“Only for you, darling,” Ben agreed.

Hux sighed, resigning more and more with every second, and finally let himself relax against Ben’s embrace. Somehow, he was more confident than ever. Hux on the other hand could barely finish his cigarette without dropping it, his hands trembling furiously. 

At some point, while he was wrapped up within his thoughts, his hand had moved to absentmindedly play with Ben’s hair. His fingers curled around the dark strands, finding security within the movement. 

“Baby, breathe,” Ben reminded him, and Hux let out a shuddering breath that wrecked his body with tremors. 

“I can’t,” Hux admitted, “I can’t do this I just-”

Ben caught Hux’s face in his hands, locking their eyes. Hux sucked in shallow breaths, feeling like the air was somehow getting lost before it made it to his lungs. He pawed at the collar of his shirt, trying to free his neck from the tight restriction. 

“It’s okay, look, let’s have a seat right here, yeah?” Ben spoke slowly, helping Hux slide down to sit.

Still, Hux yanked at his collar. By this point it had been stretched out significantly, but he still felt like it was wrapped as tightly around his neck as ever. Before he could rip the fabric, he felt the shirt being lifted over his head.

“There you go,” Ben spoke gently, “See? Nothing is around your neck anymore. Now, just focus on breathing, honey, I’m right here,”

Hux nodded, feeling the world spin around him. He clenched his fists, trying to bring himself back. He hated that he couldn’t think straight, that he couldn’t pull himself out of the senseless fear he was feeling.

“Hux, Doll,” Ben’s voice came again, “Do you take any medication?”

Hux shook his head, hand resting on his collarbone. There had to be something around his neck, he thought, there had to be something wrong. Ben gently took his hands away, holding them lightly in his lap.

“Look at me,” Ben encouraged, “Okay? Look at me and breathe,” 

Hux nodded, locking eyes with Ben and trying not to focus on anything else. This was real, he reminded himself. The scenarios in his head that played over and over, those were fake. What mattered was Ben sitting right in front of him.

“I want to help you,” Ben promised, “Can I try to help?”

Hux nodded again, feeling his arms being raised up over his head. It was text book, he realized. There was no limit of times Hux had searched ways to quell anxiety attacks, and he wondered if Ben had done the same.

“Up and down,” Ben explained, and Hux followed the instructions dazedly.

Hux followed Ben’s breathing, and after a few minutes the air in his lungs was more fulfilling. It no longer felt like he was running out of oxygen. As his breathing evened out, his mind followed suit.

“This is fine,” Ben assured him gently, “Everything is good and you are okay,”

Ben was holding onto his knees as Hux continued to raise and drop his arms, watching him carefully. The confidence of earlier had stayed, and Hux began to feel like everything was under control. 

“What can I get you, sunshine?” Ben asked quietly, “Water? A blanket?”

“Okay,” Hux agreed, doing his best to offer a smile. 

When Ben pulled back his hands, Hux realized how warm they had been. He shivered at the loss of contact, and focused on counting up and down from ten while he sat on the porch. 

Ben returned with a glass of ice water and a heavy blanket. He wrapped the afghan around Hux’s shoulders, being careful not to let it rest on his neck, and took a seat across from him once more.

“Feeling better?” Ben asked, and for the first time Hux saw the obvious worry in his eyes.

“Much,” Hux breathed, “Thank you,” 

Ben didn’t look entirely convinced, but did not press on about the subject. Instead, he offered his own weary smile and returned his hands to rest on Hux’s knees. 

“Shit,” Ben muttered, yanking his hands back, “Sorry - do you need space?” 

“I don’t know,” Hux admitted quietly, “No one has… ever been around when this has happened,”

Ben nodded, scooting backwards slightly to give Hux a few more feet between the two of them. Hux sipped on the water, and leaned to the side to rest his head on the railing of the deck. 

“I’m going to make you some tea,” Ben offered, “Sound good?”

Hux nodded, hating the way the motion had become almost compulsory. He could see the kitchen from his spot on the floor, and watched Ben move around through the glass of the door. 

Realizing that his hands were empty for the first time, he looked around the deck to find his lost cigarette. Hux was surprised to see it still smoking in an ashtray on a little plastic table. He wondered why he didn’t remember putting it there.

Ben returned with the tea, placing it down carefully in front of Hux. Hux stared at it blankly, wrapping his hands around the mug to steal the warmth from it. The blanket wasn’t doing as much as he hoped.

They sat in silence for a long time, Hux sporadically sipping at his tea while Ben tried not to stare for too long at a time. From somewhere in the house, he heard laughter and realized for the first time that morning that they were not alone. 

“Can I sit with you?” Hux asked quietly, looking up to meet Ben’s hesitant eyes.

“Of course, Doll,” he nodded, holding out a hand to help Hux move over.

Ben, obviously, expected Hux to sit across from him once more, or perhaps nestled under his arm. However, it was clear that he did not expect Hux to climb into his lap and settle against him.

Hux cradled the tea in his hands, and let his head drop so that it rested against Ben’s chest. He might have been a little too big to fit properly in Ben’s crossed legs, but it felt perfect to him nonetheless.

“Are you cold?” Hux inquired.

“N-No,” Ben stuttered out.

“I am,” Hux breathed, snuggling against him.

“We could go inside-” Ben offered immediately, but Hux cut him off.

“I want to be here, with you,” he answered, eyes fluttering shut, “That’s all I’ve ever wanted,”

“Okay, sweetheart,” Ben whispered, arms moving to ghost against Hux’s body.

Hux remembered another time they were here together, frozen and huddling for warmth. He remembered the flask in Ben’s pocket, the horrible off-key singing of karaoke, the countdown to midnight.

Most importantly, he remembered the way that Ben’s drunken laughter tasted against his mouth. It was a feeling he had never expected to experience again, a joke to ring the new year in while the fireworks exploded from across the lake.

Ben, of course, didn’t remember it in the morning. It was all Hux could think about for weeks. 

And here they sat, years later. Hux still worried that Ben might not want him come morning, that he was just a friend to lean on when there was no one else available. But when Hux heard the sound of the others filling the kitchen, Ben didn’t move to go see them.

“I think I’m in love with you,” Hux admitted slowly.

“Really,” Ben smiled down at him, tucking a strand of loose hair out of Hux’s face, “Took you long enough to figure that out, pumpkin,”

Hux rolled his eyes, a pout on his face as he took another sip of his tea. Ben laughed, dropping his head down so that it rested against Hux’s. His lips peppered kisses across his cheeks, and Hux halfheartedly tried to shove him away.

“You’re mean even when you love me,” Ben accused sadly. 

“You love me even when I’m mean,” Hux pointed out. 

Ben shrugged, moving back in an attempt to kiss Hux once more. This time, Hux didn’t move away. He let Ben’s lips graze along his cheek, to the tip of his nose, to his temples. Hux drank the affection in.

“How long have you known?” Hux whispered.

“I never knew, love,” Ben confessed, “I only hoped,”

Hux cradled Ben’s face with his hands, warm still from the mug of tea. His anxiety had left him more exhausted than before, and yet he didn’t dare blink in fear that he would miss half a second of being with Ben.

“I was afraid that you didn’t mean it,” Hux whispered, “I was afraid that I would make things worse,”

“Things,” Ben repeated, quirking an eyebrow.

Hux shakily took Ben’s wrists in his hands, thumb raking over the bandage. Ben flinched, though he did not pull back. Slowly, Hux brought Ben’s left hand up to his lips. He pressed a kiss to the stitches that laid underneath, before repeating the action with Ben’s right hand. 

“I could have lost you,” Hux whispered, fingers flitting over the gauze.

“Hadn’t you already?” Ben asked sadly. 

“Not like this,” Hux breathed, his forehead dropping to rest against Ben’s wrist.

“Hey,” Ben frowned, tipping Hux’s chin up, “Babydoll, you’re not going to lose me,”

Hux nodded slowly, trying to get himself to believe the words. In this moment, he could. It was just Hux and Ben, two idiots that had been in love with each other for over half a decade without realizing it. 

Something in the back of Hux’s mind nagged at him though, reminding him of every possible outcome that could arise. So few left the two of them together. So many ended in another heartbreak.

“I don’t love you because I almost lost you,” Hux promised suddenly, “I need you to know that it had nothing to do with that,”

“Yeah?” Ben looked almost relieved, “Good,”

Hux leaned forward, kissing Ben properly for the first time that morning. It was soft and sweet, nothing to be expected from either of them. Maybe that was why it worked, because it was them.

Ben, fiery and hot, lived too passionately for his own good. And Hux, cold and cunning, did his best to shield himself from every emotion not essential to survival. As much as Ben warmed Hux up, he realized, Hux cooled Ben down. 

Hux pulled away, resting his forehead against Ben’s. They sat for a moment, holding onto each other like they might both be ripped away at any second. Hux smiled. Ben kissed the corner of his mouth.

Only when the two heard someone clearing their throat from in front of them did they break apart from each other. 

“Why are you two on the ground?” Poe laughed, staring between the two of them.

The last time Hux had seen Poe, they were out by the fire. A look of realization seemed to cross his face, and his smile only grew. 

“Phas, pay up,” Poe shrieked, drying his hands with a towel as he walked back into the house.

Hux sat in confusion, still tense from being caught. He would have assumed a lecture from Poe, a lesson on why the week after a suicide attempt was entirely the wrong time to fall in love.

Instead, Poe beamed from inside the house as he pointed towards the porch. Hux felt his cheeks heat up slightly, his heart pounding in his chest. There was nothing to tell, he thought, he and Ben hadn’t discussed what this was, there were still topics to cover and conversations to be had before everyone went jumping the gun.

Hux leaned forward, resulting in the blanket falling from his body. Ben swooped down to kiss between his shoulderblades, before wrapping it around him once more. Hux stared at him sweetly, and every apprehension he had was shoved to the back of his mind. 

“Disgusting,” Phasma shook her head from her spot in the doorway, “Had you held out for one more day I would have won the pool,”

“Excuse me?” Hux narrowed his eyes, and Ben’s grip tightened slightly like Hux might spring up and attack.

“Poe wants help with breakfast,” Phasma sing-songed, ruffling Hux’s hair before she disappeared through the door once again. 

Hux huffed, looking like an angry kitten from his spot curled up in Ben’s lap. Ben stroked his hair lovingly, leaving sweet kisses along his shoulders. It was enough to make him melt back into the touch.

“We should help,” Hux noted while Ben nipped at his neck.

“Or we could sneak away,” Ben mused, “Go make out by the lake?”

Hux scoffed, shoving Ben backwards. The other caught himself with a laugh, easily returning to wrap his arms around Hux’s waist. 

“I take back what I said,” Hux spoke firmly, “I don’t love you,”

“You do,” Ben whispered, “You love me to every star and back,”

“Every star?” Hux whistled, “I apparently love you quite a bit,”

“Endlessly,” Ben confirmed, “Unconditionally,”

“Sounds intense,” Hux whistled, “Am I really the type to fall in love so fully?”

“With me, you are,” Ben clarified. 

“Only you,” Hux confirmed, something like a promise in his voice. 

-

“Hux,” Ben called from across the room, arms open wide.

Hux didn’t look up, just kept to his reading. There were several clients he needed to read up on before heading back to work, which was only a few days away. It was boring work, but essential. 

Ben, on the other hand, was not pleased. He laid sprawled across the couch, his limbs too long to properly fit. Hux smiled secretly where he sat, slyly taking out his phone to snap a picture of the ridiculous pose.

“I need to tell you something,” Ben sighed, head flopping to one side to stare at him.

“Okay,” Hux nodded, “Tell me then,”

“I can’t,” Ben scoffed indignantly, “It’s a secret. You have to come here for me to tell you,” 

Hux’s eyes flickered up to meet Ben’s, and he looked almost triumphant at the intrigue. However, Hux quickly returned to his work instead of feeding into Ben’s childish games. Ben let out a long groan, and rolled over onto his stomach.

“I have to tell you something,” he exclaimed once again.

“So tell me,” Hux sing-songed. 

“Just come here,” Ben pleaded, “Come on, it’s really important, come here,”

Hux ignored him finally, tapping his pen against the arm of the chair. The rest of the house was working on dinner, and so Hux was left to babysit Ben. Of course, it wasn’t phrased that way, but it sure felt like it. 

“I thought you loved me,” Ben feigned heartbreak.

“I don’t,” Hux remarked, highlighting a few lines of text.

Ben made a big deal of rearranging himself on the couch, and Hux had to bite back his smile as he watched the theatrics from the corner of his eye. There was no one more attention seeking than Ben Solo, unfortunately. 

“Fine,” Ben huffed, “Your loss. It was a good secret too,”

“Ben, just tell me,” Hux pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Nope,” Ben shook his head, “Even if you come here, I’m not going to tell you. Too late,” 

Hux stared at him expectantly, waiting for the next round of pleas. However, they did not come. Ben just sat fiddling with his fingers and staring at the ceiling. Hux found himself curious, and pressed on.

“Ben,” Hux badgered, “Tell me the secret,”

Ben pretended to zip his mouth closed, and threw the key across the room as hard as he could. It shook the entire couch, and Hux heard the movement downstairs stop as the house tried to figure out where the bang came from.

“Petulance doesn’t suit you,” Hux noted, and Ben shrugged his shoulders. 

Glancing down at his files, Hux knew that finishing the work now made the most sense. He was in the right headspace to get some work done, and it would leave more time for planning other pitches or catching up on e-mails.

However, he also knew that Ben’s little pout was not going to disappear until he indulged him. And, a part of him knew that these opportunities would not be around for much longer. When that reminder set in, Hux was already pushing himself up out of his chair.

“Okay,” Hux hummed, “I’m coming over, so now you have to tell me your secret,”

“Nope,” Ben shook his head, propping himself up on his elbows. 

“Please,” Hux knelt beside the couch, carding a hand through Ben’s hair.

Ben sighed, throwing his head back. Finally, he sat up more and leaned in closer like he was going to whisper in Hux’s ear. Hux tilted his head to give him a better angle, and let out a gasp of surprise when arms circled his waist.

“What are you-” he squeaked, feeling his body yanked up from the ground.

Ben grinned as he moved to pin Hux down on the couch, and the other man just shot him a look of disappointment from where he laid. Ben looked triumphant, and raised a finger to his lips.

“Stop moving,” he demanding, “Stop squirming, I need to tell you this secret,”

Hux rolled his eyes once more, but stopped his moving. Ben moved down slower than every, and Hux wondered what this secret could possibly be that he needed to be straddled on the couch for it.

And then, Ben kissed the tip of his nose. Hux looked up at him quizzically, but Ben just pulled himself off and settled back into the other side of the couch.

“That was your secret?” Hux asked incredulously. 

“Did you like it,” Ben grinned.

Hux threw a pillow in his direction, and Ben dodged it with ease. The two burst into a fit of laughter from each end of the couch, and Hux hated himself for being endeared by Ben’s ridiculous antics. 

“I just wanted to kiss your nose,” Ben confessed, “It kept scrunching up while you were reading,”

“It did not,” Hux demanded.

“It did,” Ben nodded, “It always does when you have to do things you don’t like,”

“Oh, please,” Hux scoffed, “Now you’re really wrong. I love my job,”

Ben didn’t look convinced, and Hux narrowed his eyes. Of course, it was a demanding job. It took a lot out of him, it didn’t leave a high margin for error, but Hux liked it. It was methodical in a way, and a new challenge was there for him to deal with every day.

For someone who liked bringing organization to what he did, this job was perfect. It also didn’t hurt that the pay grade was more than most people Hux’s age made within their lifetime. 

“You’re defending it in your head, aren’t you,” Ben commented, and Hux snapped out of his thought.

“No,” he lied, “I don’t need to defend it to anyone,”

“Even yourself?” Ben asked gently, and Hux sighed. 

“You don’t even know what I do,” Hux pointed out angrily.

“I know that you aren’t happy,” Ben shrugged, “That’s all that I need, really, to dislike it,” 

“Shut up,” Hux demanded, pushing Ben down to climb on top of him.

Ben looked surprised, but was easily pliable against Hux’s hands. He spread along the couch, looking pleased when Hux straddled his waist.

“I just want you to be happy,” Ben whispered.

“Then kiss me,” Hux answered, thumbs running along Ben’s cheek bones.

Ben pushed himself up slightly to connect their lips, hands immediately gripping onto Hux’s thighs. The feeling was dizzying, and Hux cursed himself for not declaring his feelings when they were eighteen. 

Hux let his hips grind down, and reveled in the gasp that escaped Ben’s mouth. Fingertips dug into his skin, and a part of him hoped that it would leave scattered bruises along his thighs. 

“We can’t,” Ben rasped, “Not with everyone downstairs,”

Hux sighed, pulling back and sitting casually in Ben’s lap. He noticed the flush of the other man’s face, and how just a few moments could get him that riled up. Hux smirked as he leaned down to press a kiss to the tip of Ben’s nose.

“Later,” Hux whispered, “Down by the lake,”

Ben grinned at him, holding Hux’s face gently in his hands. He tugged him down for another kiss before Hux rolled off of him and went to tidy up his files. When he glanced at his phone, however, he noticed an array of missed calls from the past few moments.

“Christ,” Hux muttered.

“Everything okay?” Ben looked after him.

“Something is going on at work, apparently,” Hux shook his head, “They’ve called me a- oh, God, my boss is calling now,”

Ben looked concerned from his spot on the couch, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he watched Hux carefully. Hux sucked in a deep breath and accepted the call, slipping out of the room and into the hallway.

“Ms. Parkers,” his voice shifted to something more professional, “I apologize, I stepped away from my phone for a moment and-”

“Well, that’s how quickly it all happened,” his boss quipped on the other line.

“I’m sorry?” Hux leaned against the wall.

“There’s been a leak within the company,” Ms. Parkers informed him, “Something about a higher-up embezzling. Everything has gone to shit,” 

“Jesus,” Hux muttered under his breath, “When did this happen?”

“The news broke about ten minutes ago,” she explained, “We’ve already lost six clients,”

“Six,” Hux repeated, fingers rubbing his temples, “We haven’t lost-”

“No,” Parkers cut him off, “We have a meeting with Schmein’s Co tomorrow afternoon, which is why I need you back here immediately,”

Hux froze, feeling a lump form in his chest. All at once, the setting hit him. Downstairs, Rey and Finn were bickering over what type of cookies to make while Poe and Phasma played yet another drinking game. He could hear their laughter from upstairs.

And in the room beside him sat Ben, worried and waiting for him to return. Hux squeezed his eyes closed, trying not to picture the look on his face when he had told him he loved him. 

“Tonight?” Hux chewed his bottom lip, “I still have a few days until I’m due back-”

“Circumstances have changed, Mr. Hux,” Parkers laughed humorlessly.

“Yes, but-” Hux breathed, feeling the reality of the situation settle heavily on his shoulders. 

“There’s a flight that leaves from the closest airport to you in two hours, and I just booked the ticket. I need you back in your desk as soon as you step off of that plane,” Parkers spoke slowly, in a tone that sent shivers down Hux’s spine, “Do I make myself clear?”

Hux stared at the door that led back to Ben. So much of his week was spent debating on leaving, or regretting coming in the first place. For a moment, a part of him wondered if he could stay forever with Ben. 

That part of him, Hux realized, was childish.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” Hux promised.

The other end of the line went dead, but Hux did not lower the phone from his head until a few seconds had passed. He stared at his hands, willing himself to reenter the room and say goodbye to Ben.

Finally, the door was pushed open and Hux shuffled inside. Ben sat up from where he was on the couch, soft face filled with genuine concern. Hux wondered how long it would be until that concern washed away to something else.

“Everything okay?” Ben asked. 

“Uh,” Hux shook his head, “No. The company is in huge trouble there… someone leaked information about an executive’s embezzling and now all of our clients are falling apart,”

Ben stood up, crossing the room to take Hux’s hands in his own. Hux stared at where their fingers brushed against each other, not finding the strength to grip on tighter.

“That’s going to be hell to get back to in a few days,” Ben shook his head, and Hux felt his heart break when he realized he was going to have to spell the situation out for him.

“The thing is,” Hux cleared his throat, “I leave to go back to New York in two hours,” 

At this, Ben froze. His thumb stopped circling against Hux’s palm, and his entire body visibly tensed up. 

“Excuse me?” Ben asked. 

Hux avoided his eyes, staring at the floor. Ben shook his head, squeezing their hands in some attempt to get Hux to look at him properly. Still, he averted the other man’s gaze.

“I need to get back, Ben, I have responsibilities-” Hux sighed, voice tight. 

“So you’re leaving? Just like that,” Ben pleaded. 

“I took a week off of work to come and see you when we hadn’t spoken in two years. What more do you want from me,” Hux fired back, looking up angrily. 

Ben’s face melted from devastation to anger within a second at the words. Before Hux could take them back and try to explain himself better, Ben dropped their hands and took a step back.

“Ben,” Hux tried, moving forward, but Ben just stepped farther away.

“You could barely last half a week,” Ben shouted, “So don’t try to guilt trip me for the sacrifices you’ve made when I didn’t even ask for you to be here,”

“It’s just a few days,” Hux pleaded, “You still have Finn and Rey and Poe and Phasma here for you,”

“They’re always there for me,” Ben bubbled, “I knew that they would stick around,”

“Ben,” Hux gasped like he had been slapped across the face.

“So what,” Ben asked, “You leave, and you go fix your company, and then what?”

Hux looked at him confusedly, trying to follow Ben’s logic. He wasn’t entirely sure what the man was getting at.

“I don’t,” Hux shook his head, “I don’t understand what you’re asking me,”

“Christ, Hux,” Ben threw his hands into the air, “What about us?”

Hux froze, mulling the words over in his head. Of course, a part of him had known the week would come to an end. He had just assumed that they would have time to discuss their future in further detail, rather than a rushed argument.

“We can talk about this later,” Hux shook his head, “I need to get to the airport,”

Hux moved around Ben towards the hallway. Last room on the right, he reminded his legs. There were thudding footsteps behind him, Ben following him as he moved from the den towards his bedroom.

“I want to talk about this now,” Ben demanded, and Hux’s skin crawled at the brokenness of his voice.

Hux ignored him, and instead set to work packing his suitcase of everything he had left around the room. Millicent mewled at his feet, and Hux’s mind cursed when he realized he would need to bring her back now as well.

“Have you seen Millie’s carrier?” Hux asked, “I thought I left it in the corner,”

When he spun around to face Ben, he noticed the true sadness in his gaze. There was no more fire to him, nothing to keep him yelling. Instead, there was the true emotion behind the situation. Fear, and sadness, and heartbreak.

“Just talk to me,” Ben begged.

“What do you want me to say?” Hux gulped, “This week was going to end either way. What did you think would happen to us?”

Ben stared at him, unabashed in his tears. Hux stood firmly in place, no matter how desperately he wished to dry them from the other’s face. 

“I thought that this time you would stay,” Ben admitted brokenly. 

Hux swallowed thickly. He imagined a world where he did stay. He thought about waking up to Ben every morning, falling asleep next to him every night. The cooking disasters, arguing over who got to cuddle Millicent, horribly cheesy schemes for attention.

Hux even considered the possibility of revisiting slow dancing, properly this time, to real music instead of Ben’s strange noises. He thought of a ring on his finger, and maybe even some horrible brat of a baby that they could do their best to raise together. 

Hux imagined a world where he never broke Ben’s heart again. In his swirling head, for a moment, it felt real. He staggered forward, taking Ben’s face into his hands to hold onto him. His fingertips burned, but he refused to let go.

“If I don’t go, I’ll lose my job,” Hux whispered.

“And if you do go,” Ben pled, “You’ll lose me,” 

Hux leaned in, eyes slipping closed as he pressed a cautious kiss to Ben’s lips. The other man held onto his wrists tightly, as if it might convince him to stay. They stood with their foreheads resting against each other long after they broke apart. Hux held onto every second.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, pulling his wrists free from Ben’s grasp.

Ben let out a choked sob, arms still held up as he waited for Hux to turn around and run back into his arms. Instead, he crossed the room to zip his suitcase closed. Millicent circled around his feet once more, and he bent down to scoop her up.

“Hux,” Ben begged, taking a heavy step forward.

Hux brushed by him, moving towards the door with his eyes forward in an attempt to keep himself put together. As he went to step over the threshold, Ben’s hand caught his wrist. His stomach erupted in butterflies, but Hux kept his focus straight ahead.

“If you leave now, this is over,” Ben warned, a shaky promise. 

Hux turned to look at him, drinking in every inch of the man he loved so tenderly, the man who loved him just as fiercely in return. 

“Goodbye, Ben,” Hux whispered, yanking his wrist away and closing the bedroom door behind him. 

-

Hux sat frozen in his chair, eyes glued to the screen of his computer. The newest e-mail in his inbox, courtesy of Rey, was a compilation of the pictures she had taken throughout the week. 

Ben’s e-mail was included in the message, and Hux felt something strange settle in his chest at the realization they had received the same e-mail. So far, he had been staring at the screen for ten minute without having made a move to look at the pictures.

“Hux?” a voice came from his doorway, and Hux nearly jumped.

His assistant stood watching him, something confused in her eyes. He understood why. Never before in his years working at the company did he let himself deviate from the professional task at hand. 

After he returned from California, however, his assistant had found him in a zombie-like state between conference calls and meetings. Usually, he used this time to work on new ideas or innovations for the office.

“Yes,” Hux snapped into attention, “Is there someone on-”

“No, sir,” she shook her head, “It’s just… late. I wanted to know if there was anything you needed before I left for the night,” 

Hux’s eyes drifted to the clock, realizing it was already half past ten. With a shake of his head, his assistant disappeared from the office. Hux could hear the click of her heels as she walked down the hall. 

For a few days, he had managed. There was so much work to catch up on, so many clients to reassure, so much damage control to have done that he barely thought about Ben. Hux threw himself into his work at all hours of the day, going without sleep for four days before he crashed. 

After that, it became difficult to ignore the empty feeling in his chest. Hux tried to ignore his feelings by continuing to work, but nothing could hold his attention. His mind would just drift back to the look on Ben’s face when he walked out of the door.

The others had understood, in a way. Poe had thanked him for managing to come out for as long as he did. It felt like a slap in the face that they expected him to bail earlier on. He wondered if they had a pool going for that as well.

Since Phasma’s return, Hux had ignored approximated two hundred phone calls. They were going to be about Ben, he knew that. Phasma was a good friend, but Hux couldn’t handle the thought of hearing his name at the moment.

Still, he wondered how the rest of the time went. It was why his hand lingered on the e-mail from Rey, a potential gold mine into the trip after he left. When he opened the link and saw a picture of Ben’s grinning face, he puked into the garbage pail beneath his desk. 

Hux covered his face with his hands, shutting the monitor of his computer off. He couldn’t even handle a picture of Ben without feeling overwhelmed, how could he handle an entire photo album?

The phone on his desk buzzed, another text from Finn. He was sweet, trying to check in on Hux and lend his support, but Hux hadn’t had the energy to type a reply. Everything he tried felt too stiff, or too emotional.

When the cleaning staff began to make their rounds, Hux pushed himself up out of the chair. It had been over an hour since he did anything productive, yet he had stayed. Sitting alone in his apartment was a reminder of what he had given up.

Hux walked through the streets, keeping his eyes cast down. Around him, couples fell over each other. Hux pushed his way through the crowd alone.

When he walked into his home, it was dark. It was silent. It was lonely, he thought to himself. He remembered walking into the lake house, hearing the bickering from the kitchen or the laughter from the porch. That home was alive. This home was the opposite. 

“Millicent?” Hux called out, looking around the place. 

Hux walked through the dimly lit hallway, checking each room for his cat. He finally found her lounging in the spare room, on a bed he had made over six months before. Millicent looked up curiously when he called for her, before plopping her head back down.

“Millicent,” Hux pouted, falling to his knees beside the mattress.

His hands ran down her fur, trying to get her to cuddle up beside him. Instead, she offered a hiss and leapt off the bed to go running down the hall. Hux sat on the floor, hands still held up to pet the cat. 

“I’m alone,” he whispered to himself.

From down the hall, he heard the jingling of Millicent’s collar stop. She had already settled in somewhere new, without him. He wondered how she could stand to be alone now when she had been all day.

“Fuck you, Millicent,” Hux screamed, his throat aching from it, “You’re a cat, you’re not special. I could buy another ten of you from a shop around the corner,” 

Hux breathed deeply, his throat raw from the ferocity of his yelling. He pulled himself up from the floor, feeling his legs shake beneath him. Not even a cat, who really had no one else but Hux, was excited to see him. 

It was no wonder why, he realized. She did one thing he didn’t like and he threatened to replace her. 

Hux made his way down the hallway once more, searching for Millicent. When he found her, she was perched on the couch. She looked at him somewhat interestedly, but focused mainly on cleaning her front paws.

“Millie,” Hux sniffled, “I’m so sorry,”

Hux climbed onto the couch, practically throwing himself on the cat as he curled up to her. She flinched like she would try to get away, but eventually settled against him.

“I didn’t mean it,” Hux promised, “I’m so sorry, I know I don’t appreciate you as much as I should. What the hell kind of owner comes home hours after he’s supposed to. I promise I’ll try to spend more time with you, okay?”

Millicent licked her paw as he groveled beneath her, flicking her eyes over towards Hux. He offered her a weak smile, and she used her paw to bat at his nose. Before he could say anything else, she freed herself from his grip and went running once more. 

Hux sat up, reaching towards the end table for a bottle of wine. He didn’t bother with a glass, just drank straight from the bottle until he was a drunken mess and it was empty. 

In his delirious state, the only person he could think about was Ben. He opened Rey’s e-mail, sifting through the pictures from the week. They were mostly goofy, a picture of Finn in a pair of Phasma’s heels trying to dance or Poe covered in flour standing in the kitchen.

However, he did lingered on the pictures of him and Ben. Hux noticed how ridiculous their smiles were in most of them, how one was always staring fondly at the other. His fingers traced sweetly over Ben’s face on the screen, wishing he was there to hold him for real. 

“I’m sorry,” Hux murmured.

The Ben on the screen said nothing back, only laughed with his head tilted back over something that Hux had said. He squeezed his eyes closed trying to transport himself back to that moment. Hux could hear Ben’s giggling, could feel his arms snug around his waist and his breath hot on Hux’s neck.

When he opened his eyes, he was alone in a dark room. 

Hux couldn’t breathe when he realized he couldn’t hear Ben’s laugh anymore. He tried to think of it in his head, to hear the little gasps and chuckles. There was nothing but the sound of Ben’s voice breaking when he begged Hux to stay.

Hux pulled out his phone, breath ragged as he dialed the number. There was an emoji of a heart next to Ben’s contact name, something he had insisted on adding himself. 

“Please pick up, please pick up, please,” Hux whispered, the ringing loud in his ear.

When he was sent to voicemail, his heart dropped. Hux briefly debated leaving a long and winded apology, begging for Ben to come back into his life. After two years without him, Hux now couldn’t last more than a week. 

In the end, he hung up the phone. The words would spill over each other, he told himself. The apology would mean nothing in the end. It would just be some pathetic voicemail that Ben would delete after two seconds. 

Hux crawled into bed, hugging a pillow against his chest. If he was drunk enough, he could pretend it was Ben against him. Tonight was not one of those nights. Instead, he stared up at the ceiling yearning for the steady thud of the other’s heartbeat in his ear. 

The next night, when the cleaning crew entered his office to make their rounds, Hux couldn’t bring himself to go home. He remembered the promise he had made to Millicent the night before, about being around more often.

Hux also remembered lying in bed alone, and felt like if he had to do that again he would lose his mind. So instead, he made his way down the street to the bar located halfway between his office and apartment.

Hux sat at the bar, staring into the scotch he had been poured. Despite being three drinks in, he felt the same as when he had arrived. Hux wondered how many it would take until he forgot about Ben.

“Hux?” he heard his name, and his head snapped up with such blind hope in his heart that when he realized Ben was not calling for him his stomach dropped.

Instead, there stood a jittery man with dark features next to him at the bar. Hux narrowed his eyes slightly, recognizing him but not being able to place him at the first glance.

“Mitaka,” he spoke finally, eyes widening.

Mitaka had worked with Hux years before on an internship during college. They weren’t the closest of friends, obviously, but he had always admired the other man’s work ethic, and ability to make the hellhole of interning somewhat entertaining.

“Yeah, it’s me, how have you been?” Mitaka slid into the chair beside him, raising a hand to signal for another round.

“Oh, I’m…” Hux nodded, “Good,”

“Good?” Mitaka laughed, “I heard you’ve already landed an executive position at some massive multi billion dollar company,”

Hux smiled, feeling his pride swell at the mention of his job. He had worked tirelessly to achieve his position, and Mitaka rightfully knew the significance behind his efforts.

“That I did,” Hux nodded, “Though, to tell you the truth, this week has left me reminiscing over the lack of responsibility we had as interns,” 

Mitaka laughed loudly, knocking back his whiskey. Hux noticed his suit, and the briefcase in the chair next to him. It was refreshing to be out with someone of his own professionalism, though he realized it was more refreshing to just not be alone.

“I heard about that embezzler, tough break,” Mitaka clicked his tongue.

“It’s not the best thing to have happened to the company,” Hux agreed.

“You’re right,” Mitaka smirked, “The best thing for them was hiring you,”

Hux felt his cheeks heat up at the compliment, waving his hand while Mitaka continued to drown him in praise. He remembered then why working with the man had been so bearable. He always had a way with stroking Hux’s ego.

“Enough about me,” Hux demanded, “What are you up to?”

“Corporate lawyer,” Mitaka grinned, “Not so glamorous,” 

“I didn’t know you went to law school,” Hux quirked an eyebrow.

“It was hell,” Mitaka nodded, “But I’ve made enough money to pay back my loans and then some. So, worth it I suppose,” 

“Definitely worth it,” Hux raised his glass to signify a toast, leaving Mitaka grinning back at him.

“I certainly make enough to get you another drink,” he laughed as Hux knocked the rest of the liquor back, “Another scotch?”

Hux stared at his empty glass, the remnants of the brown liquor still staining the bottom. Slowly, he shook his head and slid the glass over the bar.

“Margarita,” Hux nodded to the bartender, eliciting a delighted laugh from Mitaka.

“Hux,” he crowed, “I never would have pegged you as the type to go for frilly drinks,”

Hux offered a laugh, trying his best to remain polite. When the pink drink was set in front of him, his eyes locked on the umbrella. He remembered how painstakingly gentle he was in tucking a different umbrella behind Ben’s ear. 

When Hux snapped out of his trance, he realized Mitaka was already halfway through a sentence. He just smiled and nodded, hoping that he hadn’t missed something important in his zoned out state.

“It’s just so crazy to see you again,” Mitaka hummed, “You were one of the only people I’ve ever known to share such a similar drive for the corporate world,”

Hux could have laughed at how ridiculous the sentence sounded. What a passion to have, he thought, business. Combing through his memories, however, he could barely distinguish more than an extremely limited amount of time that he had dedicated to anything besides work.

It was his entire life. From six in the morning to ten o’clock at night he was often holed up in his office. The only real friend he had around was Phasma, who he saw so infrequently that every get together they had was treated like a massive event. 

“-just don’t get the work ethic it takes to rise in such a competitive job market, you know?” Mitaka chuckled, “But you, Hux, you understand what it takes,”

“What?” Hux blinked, trying to piece the words together.

“Well, I would assume so anyways,” Mitaka shrugged, “After all, you rose through the ranks faster than almost anyone I’ve ever seen,”

“Yes,” Hux nodded faintly, “I did,”

“Exactly,” Mitaka laughed, “Judging by your attire, I’m guessing you came here straight from the office far later than you should have been working,”

“Most people in the city were probably already asleep,” Hux whispered, more to himself than to Mitaka.

The other man laughed loudly nonetheless, nodding along with Hux’s words. He took a sip of his drink and leaned forward so that one of his hands was covering Hux’s arm. For a moment, neither moved.

“I’ve never found someone like you, Hux,” Mitaka admitted lowly, “No matter how hard I tried after we worked together, no one seemed to match up to you. Witty, methodical, ambitious… we could be unstoppable,”

Hux didn’t respond, just stared at Mitaka curiously. Of course, there had been teasing when they worked together that someone had a crush. Hux just assumed that it was a joke between coworkers.

When Mitaka closed the space between them, Hux realized that was not the case. Mitaka kissed him like he had been waiting to do so for ages, squeezing his arm in an attempt to draw him closer.

Hux yanked himself back, eyes blown wide by the gesture. Mitaka’s cheeks flared a deep red, and he sat frozen in his stool waiting for some answer from Hux.

“I’m really sorry, Mitaka,” Hux’s voice bubbled up at once as he scrambled off of the stool and grabbed his jacket, “I have a plane to catch,”

-

Hux hated cities. The only reason he put up with living in New York for so long was because of his job. They were too loud and crowded, and he felt like he had no space to think without something else crowding his mind.

But the city at night, Hux could handle. Especially when he stepped off of a six hour flight and onto San Francisco soil. The night seemed almost still, in a way as he moved down the sidewalk in an attempt to flag down a taxi.

Hux had barely made it to the airport in time to catch a red-eye flight across the country to California. It was a last minute purchase, a one way ticket to San Francisco with no thought as to when or how he might come back.

Ben’s address was provided in Poe’s extremely detailed e-mail from a few weeks before, and Hux read it aloud shakily to the cabbie that stared back at him blankly. Within the hour, he would be at Ben’s front door.

A crumpled piece of paper sat heavily in his pocket, with hundreds of random thoughts written in shaky handwriting. On the plane ride, Hux had attempted to write out a long winded speech that would convince Ben to take him back. Nothing seemed right. 

So, there he was on the curb outside of a shoddy apartment building trying to work up the nerve to knock on the door of the man that most likely never wanted to see him again. Inside his pocket, his phone began to buzz with the first e-mails of the day. Hux shut it off. 

With a sudden burst of confidence, Hux charged through the door. He stormed up the stairs, rushing down the hallway before his bout of adrenaline wore off and left him a trembling mess. 

With three brisk knocks to the number of the door written on his hand, Hux realized that it was happening. Of course, he considered, there was time to run. But when he heard the stumbling footsteps on the other side of the door, he froze in place.

The door was yanked open quickly, revealing a sleepy looking Ben. He was rubbing his eyes, squinting as he stared at Hux confusedly. Everything about him looked soft, and Hux wanted to curl up into him and never let go.

“Doll?” Ben asked gruffly, looking up and down the hall, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Hux had went over the list of things he could say a million times during his journey. He wrote elaborate explanations of his feelings and fears, tried to think of every possible way to let Ben know that if he gave him another chance he wouldn’t blow it. 

But standing there, staring at Ben’s exhausted eyes and look of complete disbelief, he couldn’t remember any of his plan. 

“Is it so easy for you to sleep without me?” Hux’s voice trembled as he recited the words.

“What?” Ben shoved his hair out of his face with his hand, eyes blinking in an attempt to adjust to the harsh light.

“I cannot even close my eyes without you beside me,” Hux whispered, tears welling in the corners of his eyes.

The rest of the words stuck in his throat. Hux so desperately wanted to apologize for what he had done, but nothing seemed to be strong enough. There were no words to describe the way his chest ached for Ben. 

Ben stared back at him, waking up more and more with every passing second. It sank in for him that it was not a dream, that Hux was really standing outside his front door at 4 o’clock in the morning with absolutely no warning.

“You know,” Ben spoke slowly, “I didn’t realize just how pretentious of a line that was until I heard you say it out loud,”

Hux choked out a laugh, quickly wiping away the tears that had begun to slip down his cheeks. Ben offered a slow smile, and Hux saw the hope in his eyes. For a moment, they stood in silence.

“What are you doing here, Hux,” Ben asked quietly, leaning against the door.

Hux remembered the look of hurt he had caused Ben. He remembered the way his voice sounded when he was about to cry. He remembered how his heart shattered whenever he thought of the other man, how they lived in completely different worlds, how Ben was just as much of a wreck as Hux.

Hux remembered how loved he felt in Ben’s arms.

“It feels meaningless without you,” Hux admitted, “Everything,” 

Ben didn’t look entirely convinced, and Hux wondered what it would take for the other man to believe him. Anything, he would do anything if it meant Ben would know how deeply Hux loved him.

“I’ve been scared to love you since I was eighteen years old,” Hux explained, “But not anymore. I refuse to-to let my fears get in the way of how I feel about you,” 

“And how is that?” Ben inquired softly.

“I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything,” Hux whispered, “I go crazy when I’m not around you, counting down the seconds until I will be again,”

Ben nodded, staring intently at Hux. For once, he did not look away out of embarrassment. He vowed to be as unabashed in his feelings as Ben had been with him, no matter how terrified he was.

“I spend every minute of my life thinking of ways to get you to smile. I can’t sleep unless you’re lying beside me, snoring like a fucking animal,” Hux continued.

Ben laughed at that, rubbing his eyes slightly. Hux reached up immediately to brush the fallen tear from his cheek, letting his fingers linger against him. 

“You make me a better person without even trying,” Hux sniffled, “And I want to be there to help you through every obstacle you may face in life for as long as you’ll have me,”

Ben smiled, lips brushing against Hux’s palm. The touch sent shivers down his spine, leaving him weak at the knees. The only thing he could think about was how desperately he loved Ben. Nothing else was important.

“Hux,” Ben sighed, “Your job in New York-”

“Doesn’t make me happy,” Hux finished, “You make me happy,”

“So what,” Ben shook his head, “You’re just going to quit, and come live out in San Francisco, pumpkin?”

“Ben,” Hux held him like he might break, “I lost that job the second I got on a plane to come here. I don’t care about any of that. I just want to be with you,”

Ben allowed himself to smile genuinely then, his hands dropping to settle hesitantly at Hux’s waist. Hux took a step closer, letting his fingertips run along every inch of Ben that he could reach.

“I shouldn’t have walked out that door,” Hux admitted, “I wish more than anything that I could take it back, Ben,” 

“But how would we have gotten this rom-com worthy story out of it?” Ben joked lightly.

Hux collapsed into him, tackling Ben in a hug that left him stumbling backwards. Ben held on just as tightly, lifting Hux slightly off of the ground. They stood holding each other for what felt like years, too wrapped up in each other to care about the neighbors that were starting to wake up and walk by. 

“No more running away, Doll,” Ben pleaded against him, slotting their lips together in a way that sent fireworks shooting off behind Hux’s eyelids.

“I promise,” Hux whispered, “This time I’ll stay,” 

-

Hux sighed as the morning sun splashed across his face, turning with a groan to bury his face in the blankets. A heavy arm dragged him closer, and he let out a huff when he was yanked on top of a broad chest.

Ben smiled beneath him, still half asleep. Hux rolled his eyes fondly, but pressed a quick kiss to the other’s lips anyways. Content, Ben’s eyes fluttered closed once more and his head lolled against the pillow.

From his spot in bed, Hux could see the lake through the window. Even in the dead of winter, it was beautiful. Millicent purred from her spot at the end of the bed, and Hux extended an arm to scratch behind her ears. The cat mewled against the touch, batting her paw against the silver ring on Hux’s left hand. 

Ben humphed from beneath him, lazily tugging Hux’s hand up to settle on his head. Hux smiled knowingly, knotting his fingers in the other man’s hair and giving a sharp tug. Ben knocked against him sleepily, and Hux shushed him as his fingers carded lovingly through the man’s hair.

“Sleep, Doll,” Ben murmured, nuzzling against Hux’s shoulder. 

Hux stared at him sweetly, hesitant to let his eyes shut once again out of fear that he might miss one of Ben’s sleepy smiles, or the way he sometimes babbled in his sleep. 

However, he now had forever to dwell on every one of Ben’s mannerisms, and that was enough to convince him to shut his eyes.

“I love you to every star and back,” Hux hummed against Ben’s chest, “Endlessly. Unconditionally,”

“Sappy,” Ben smiled against the top of Hux’s head.

“Only for you,” Hux promised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to first of all offer a quick apology to all of the people that left comments saying how happy they were that Ben and Hux finally got together last chapter ! hope you enjoyed the angst !
> 
> also - thank you to everyone that has read this fic, especially since the beginning! you've all been so patient with me and I hope you enjoy the final chapter. I'm glad to have gotten it done before I left for school. 
> 
> as always, leave comments letting me know how you feel about it ! i love reading them.


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